How do I talk to my teenagers without starting a fight?

Hi Chris,

I have teenagers, and we row! They roll their eyes, storm off, slam doors, they’re prickly, rebellious and secretive.

What am I doing wrong?

Teen Fights

Chris says,

Hi Teen Fights!

Don’t take it personally, teens just can’t help it. So don’t try starting conversations early in the morning, or when they’re hungry! Be involved in your teenagers’ lives, monitor their activities, talk with them and eat together. Schedule times to talk about difficult topics such as schoolwork, try to avoid implying they’re always getting everything wrong, and watch for occasions when they seem to want to talk.

Because there will be times when your teens have something important to tell you. So stop what you’re doing and listen. Keep a straight face even if you’re furious, ask open-ended questions to help them along, and always respond sympathetically. Or they won’t try again. They probably had to make a big effort to start the conversation.

Keep Reading

Long story short: expect fights and focus on helping your teens to improve their conflict skills. Use every minor disagreement to help them understand themselves and others better. And encourage them to consider every argument from both sides. Then when something more serious comes up, you’ll stand a much better chance of resolving the issue well.

Teens also think they know everything. So help them understand that becoming an adult’s not like moving up a level in some video game. They won’t wake up one day suddenly mature. Maturity comes from learning the skills that make you successful.

Explain that if they’re just mindlessly going with the flow, then they’re not maturing. That life’s not about the things you want, but what you want to do and become. That you’re only mature once you know that. Until then, you’re just coping.

Show them how success comes through hard work, and that it’s not guaranteed. Help them to learn how to do relationships kindly and considerately. Best of all start all of this well before they quit talking to you. Because if you get things right early on, they’ll be brilliant teenagers!

All the best,

Chris