Why structure is your child's greatest security

In the outskirts of Ngong town, Jerusha Otieno, a single mother to Jayden and Aliana, counts down minutes as the two pre-teens linger over breakfast. One shoe is missing, and a school bag is half-packed. There are tears – not dramatic, just tired.

Somewhere between brushing teeth and finding socks, frustration rises. It is not that the child does not understand the rules. It is that the body is still adjusting. Across the country, similar scenes play out. These moments often feel like failure. However, experts say they are part of the transition.

“Routine does not click overnight. It is learned gradually, and the first weeks are about regulation, not obedience,” says Prof Rebecca Wambua, an educationist and author of a series of parenting guidebooks.

The struggle, she says, is not evidence that routine is wrong. It is evidence that bodies and emotions are recalibrating.

And in those moments, she says, what children need most is calm consistency, not raised voices, not threats, but reassurance that someone is holding the structure steady while they find their footing. To some, routine feels harsh, restrictive, rigid, even joyless. However, child development experts say routine is not about control. It is about care.

“Structure is one of the clearest ways children experience love, and it tells them the world is predictable and that someone is paying attention,” says Prof Wambua. Many parents associate routine with pressure, rushed mornings, constant reminders, and power struggles. After the freedom of the festive season, returning to structure can feel like punishment. But according to psychologist David Munyasia, the resistance is often emotional, not behavioural. Routine as emotional safety 

“Children experience routine as a loss. Loss of freedom, of novelty, and of unstructured time. What the children need in that moment is reassurance, not force,” he explains. He adds, parents feel this too. The psychologist says January brings financial recovery, work deadlines, school demands, and emotional fatigue. “Trying to re-establish order while running on empty makes routine feel like another burden,” he says, adding: “Yet paradoxically, routine is what steadies both parent and child”.

When routine is absent, children often carry the weight quietly.

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The author says irregular sleep patterns affect concentration, while unpredictable meal times impact mood and energy. Constantly shifting expectations leave children unsure of what is required of them.

Prof Wambua explains that for younger children, this can show up as tantrums, clinginess, or regression, while for older children and teenagers, it may appear as withdrawal, irritability or disengagement. “Many behavioural challenges are actually regulation challenges, and the child is not being difficult, but they are dysregulated,” says the expert.

Munyasia explains that routine provides the scaffolding children use to manage emotions, as it allows the brain to anticipate transitions, reducing stress responses. “This is particularly important in a world where children are exposed to constant stimulation of screens, noise, social pressure, and academic demands, and without predictable rhythms, children expend emotional energy simply trying to cope,” he explains.

With routine, he says, energy is freed for learning, creativity, and connection.

“Structure,” Prof Wambua adds, “is not about restricting children. It is about freeing them from anxiety.”

Wambua says for children, especially younger ones, the world is large and unpredictable. She says knowing what comes next – bath time, supper, bedtime stories as this creates a sense of safety. “Routine reduces anxiety, and when children know what to expect, their nervous systems relax, and they feel held,” says the expert. This, she says, applies across ages.

For toddlers and preschoolers, routine builds trust. The psychologist explains that when naps, meals, and bedtime follow a familiar pattern, children learn that the world responds reliably. This consistency supports language development, emotional security and attachment. In early primary years, routine strengthens responsibility.

Predictable homework times, chores, and sleep schedules teach children how to organise their time. They begin to internalise structure, a life skill.

Teenagers, he says, are often misunderstood in conversations about routine; they need it just as much, if not more, especially during adolescence, which is marked by rapid physical, emotional, and neurological changes.

On the other hand, he explains that teens push against boundaries; they also seek stability. “A teenager who knows curfew expectations, family rhythms, and household rules may complain, but they also feel contained,” says the expert.

Routine for teens, he says, should include flexibility, negotiated bedtimes, agreed screen limits, and shared responsibility. The goal is not control, but guidance. “When structure is communicated with respect, teenagers are more likely to cooperate and less likely to rebel destructively,” says Munyasia.

Prof Wambua explains that across all ages, routine communicates the same message: you matter enough for someone to be consistent. “For toddlers, routine builds trust, for school-age children, it supports focus and discipline, while for teenagers, predictable structure provides emotional anchoring in a phase defined by rapid change,” she says.

The expert notes that while teenagers may push back, they still need structure. It communicates boundaries, care, and presence.

The parenting guidebook's author says routine is often misunderstood. “It is not militaristic schedules, colour-coded charts, or perfection, nor is it about filling every hour,” she says.

A healthy routine, she says, is rhythm, not rigidity. She explains that routine is a consistent wake-up time, shared meals, when possible, predictable homework windows, regular sleep patterns, and clear expectations.

“It’s about patterns, not punishment, as children don’t need complicated systems, but reliability,” Prof Wambua says.

Children who grow up with predictable routines, the psychologist says, often develop stronger emotional regulation. When meals, sleep, and transitions are consistent, Prof Wambua says, children are better able to manage frustration, anger, and disappointment.

In many households, routine must coexist with unpredictability – traffic, shift work, power outages, extended family obligations, while single parents, caregivers, and blended families often juggle multiple roles. That reality does not disqualify routine; it reshapes it.

“A routine that works in Lavington may not work in Kitengela or Kakamega,” Munyasia says. “The goal is not copying systems from social media, but creating a rhythm that fits your family’s life.”

Even small anchors such as a consistent morning prayer, evening check-in, or weekend chore rhythm, he says, can ground a child.

“Routine teaches self-control indirectly, and it shows children how to organise their time and emotions,” says Prof Wambua. This is especially critical in a digital age where screens disrupt sleep and attention, where setting predictable screen-free times, especially before bed, supports mental health.

Routine, experts say, should never become a battlefield. If a child is constantly resisting, it may signal overwhelm, exhaustion, or unmet emotional needs.

“Parents should listen to the resistance,” as sometimes it is not defiance, but a child’s way of asking for connection,” Munyasia advises.

Adjusting routines together, especially with older children, builds cooperation, while involving children in setting expectations gives them ownership.

According to parenting experts, at its core, routine is relational. It is a parent saying: I am here. I am paying attention. I care enough to show up consistently. In a world that often feels unstable, routine becomes a quiet promise that even when days are hard, love remains predictable.

And sometimes, that is the greatest gift a parent can give.