Connection between childhood attachment and adult relationship patterns

Though intimacy is commonly linked to romantic relationships, it typically takes root much earlier in life.

Psychologist Hellen Staula explains that the earliest lessons about intimacy are usually learned at home. Parents teach children how to understand emotions, build trust, feel safe and form close bonds.

Hellen believes that intimacy can be innate and a learned skill. Human beings are biologically wired to form attachments and express emotions, but socialisation teaches them how relationships work and how intimacy is expressed.

“Nobody sits us down and teaches us how to become intimate. However, the way we express intimacy is influenced by what we observe and learn from those around us," she says.

People who grow up feeling loved and cared for tend to trust others more easily and are better able to establish healthy boundaries. Those who have experienced trauma, neglect, or rejection are likely to struggle to feel safe in close relationships and become distant or fearful of intimacy.

"When parents spend time with their children and respond to their emotional needs, they help them develop healthy relationship skills that can benefit them later in life," she says.

When parents give children emotional balance, comfort, trust, and a sense of security, they learn how to bond with others and how to manage healthy attachment and detachment. When children do not experience secure attachment, they can grow up fearing emotional closeness, expressing affection, communicating their feelings, and committing to relationships.

"They may believe intimacy is meant for other people, not for them. As relationships become more serious, they may withdraw or abandon them because closeness feels unfamiliar or frightening," she says.

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People who struggle with intimacy due to traumatic experiences avoid emotional conversations, have difficulty expressing feelings, fear closeness, withdraw from relationships, or are unable to trust their partners.

"Some people appear highly independent but are actually protecting themselves from vulnerability. Others become clingy because they fear losing the relationship," she explains.

The good news, Hellen says, is that healthy intimacy can be learned at any stage of life. People who did not experience secure attachment and healthy relationships growing up can benefit from therapy and coaching. They help people become self-aware, identify harmful patterns, process unresolved trauma, develop healthier emotional habits, and learn new ways of relating to others.

People can be more comfortable with vulnerability when they realise that being vulnerable and respected is a positive experience. People who understand their emotional patterns are better equipped to build healthy relationships and respond maturely to challenges.

Therapy can further support this growth by helping individuals process trauma, strengthen emotional regulation, and create healthier relationship habits.