Learn how to love people who hurt you

Love is not rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable. Love keeps no record of when it has been wronged (1 Corinthians 13:5). What kind of lover are you? Everyone longs to be connected with a great lover, and life is all about learning how to love. God builds your capacity to love by testing it and by bringing unlovable people into your life. There are special categories of people who are particularly difficult to love.

First, there are the uncooperative people who are hard to get along with and to work with. They lack social skills and are often immature, irresponsible, cranky, rude and obnoxious. “The wise in heart will be called prudent, and sweetness of speech increases learning” (Proverbs 16:21).

Second, there are the very demanding people who tend to drain others. They are pushy, manipulative, stubborn, insistent, demeaning and self-centred. “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped. Instead, he made himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant and coming in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5–7).

Third, there are the disappointing people. These may include a spouse, parent, child, friend, colleague, pastor or leader. They may not intend to hurt you, yet they repeatedly let you down or fail you in some way.

Fourth, there are the destructive people. Their intention is actually to harm or hurt you. They are hateful, deceitful, dangerous and damaging. “Whoever covers an offence seeks love, but whoever repeats a matter separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9).

Be tactful

How do you respond with love to all these groups of people? Love is not rude. You must not only be truthful but also tactful. Do not respond harshly; instead, listen to them without interrupting. This will often disarm them. “Answering before listening is both foolish and rude” (Proverbs 18:13). American moral and social philosopher Eric Hoffer said, “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”

You must be understanding rather than demanding. It has been observed that many people are kinder to strangers and acquaintances than they are to those closest to them.

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Many relationships are damaged because people stop doing the little thoughtful things they once did for each other, the calls, outings, cards, date nights, flowers and love notes. Your attitude should mirror that of Jesus Christ. Though he was God, he did not cling to his rights, but humbled himself in love.

You must be gentle and not judgmental. Use discernment to recognise when something is going wrong in a relationship. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another” (Colossians 3:13).

“Gentle words bring life and health, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). How many relationships could be preserved and strengthened if people paused before speaking?

For those who intentionally hurt or harm you, do not retaliate or keep a record of the offence; erase it and let it go. When we are hurt, the natural response is to remember and retaliate. We replay the offence in our minds and repeat it in conversation, using it as a weapon. “Do not bear a grudge against others. Instead, confront them directly so that you do not sin because of them” (Leviticus 19:17). Psychologists observe that whatever you rehearse, you gradually become. Replaying pain only deepens the damage.

Do not repeat arguments or resurrect past wrongs, because love keeps no record of wrongs. “Love forgets mistakes. Nagging parts even the closest of friends” (Proverbs 17:9).

Finally, do not repeat the wrong through gossip. Gossip is spread by wicked people; it stirs up trouble and destroys relationships. It is the ego that says, “I possess secrets that give me power.” One of the greatest tests of love is how much you speak about others behind their backs.

Bishop Muriithi, Founder & Overseer, House of Grace International Ministries