My husband and I are no longer affectionate

Hi Chris,

I don't feel connected to my husband anymore. We used to talk all the time, but nowadays whole days can go by without a loving word or touch. How can I put things right?

We Don't Talk

Chris says,

Hi, We Don't Talk!

It sounds like you have stopped reaching out to one another. All those smiles, touches, cups of tea, nudges, kisses, secret looks and remarks that start a conversation. "How was work today?" "What are you thinking?" "Are you upset about something?"

Couples are often hardly aware of making them, but they're really important. They show you care about each other, and draw you together. What generally goes wrong is that too many of them are being met with a brush-off, or a go-away grunt. And so gradually everyone stops trying and starts snapping or sulking instead.

A warm response isn't always easy, of course, especially if you're tired or stressed. Or maybe your husband didn't take account of what you were doing. No problem. Just go back later and say "I'm sorry I was irritable earlier..." And you're straightway back on track.

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Another problem is failing to tie down an idea: "Why don't we eat out tonight?' 'I'd love to, but I am really busy today.'" "OK, but let's go out soon!'" "Definitely!" But of course, you never do go.

Instead, get out your diary straight away: 'So when will you be free?' 'How about Saturday?' 'Yes, OK!' No vaguer promises, a definite agreement, and no more uncertainty.

Be clear in your mind about what you want, and ask for it precisely. Especially as men are hopeless at picking up hints or polite suggestions. Ask clearly, more like a command than a request, and more often than not, you'll be successful.

Above all ask yourself whether you're even reaching out to your husband often enough. You must. Many times a day!

All the best,

Chris