Men only: Introducing the notorious ‘wife stealers’

Let us look at the light side of life and talk about the type of men most likely to ‘steal’ your wife from you … Of course if you are the cuckold, you will not find my article amusing in the least bit. But as they used to say in the olden days: ‘Tough titty, pretty kitty; sometimes the milk is sour!’

1. Fake spiritual leaders

The first and worst type of wife stealers are fake pastors! They start by being spiritual counselors to her, to guide her on the path to ‘heaven.’ But soon after, they are poisoning her with all sorts of wicked words, like how a good Christian woman shouldn’t be married to a heathen.

After months upon months of ‘kesha,’ you find many of these ‘men of God’ trying to crawl into the underpants of married women (why do you think, on TV half the men being dragged out of lodges are these fake pastors)? Fake pastors should just be called ‘men-of-the-under-cloth’!

2. Jim at the gym            

Then there are the proverbial gym instructors. A woman has become ‘mwanamke mfupi short round,’ and you, as the man of the house, no longer find her attractive even for the dutiful nocturnal ‘mumulwas.’ So she decides to hit the gym!

You decide ‘hatawess make’ and laugh at her efforts to jog around the estate at the crack of dawn when the city roosters are getting up to stretch their legs and crow at the sunrise. Suddenly, mama is no longer home at 6pm but instead gets home just in time for KTN Prime.

She’s at the gym every day except Sunday – for Manic Machine Monday, Tuesday Zumba Class, the Wednesday Circuit Work-out, Insanity Thursday, freaky Friday and salsa dance on Saturdays.

Six months down the line, she is looking fine and glowing – both from the gym exercise but also from work-outs with ‘Abdo’ – the salsa instructor (Abdo is short for ‘Abdomen’, of course).

3. Pedro the popstar

Then there are those married women having a second ‘youthful’ phase as they head for forty. She has a bunch of girlfriends, some from her college years. They are in a weekend chama, Saturday afternoon with wine, to discuss money and men. Every Wednesday, they go to watch one of these fancy Afro-bands, and like MJ sang in ‘Dirty Diana,’ they know the boys in the band. Soon, she is having a hot dose with a musician called ‘Kid Doom.’

4. Two is company

Then be careful, also, about becoming ‘couple friends’ with another couple, as in you double date, and even go for holidays together, because the ‘package is cheaper.’ Cheap is expensive. The day you have hiccups in your marriage, and she begins to confide in your boy buddy (the man in your ‘couple friends’), you are kaput, especially if he has secretly had the hots for her.

5. Bob the business buddy

Bosses, and other chaps of career authority, or even her business partner, are another great source of danger to a couple, especially if the two of them often take business trips together. Trust me, I have seen the mood after seminars in a lovely bar in some nice ‘out of town’ place, after a day of team building. With wine in her head, music in the air and wild animals out there, husband hundreds of miles away can become a distant memory.

6. Number six will shock you!

Watch out for opportunistic heroes. It could be that paediatrician, who always dashes around whenever the baby is ill. Or some shrink she sees, if you married one of the batty types, or even, shock, the gynaecologist.

Of course ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands and even college sweethearts from 1999 can be a threat when a woman is unhappy in her union – and she decides to roll back time to younger days, forgetting what split her from that ‘sweetheart’ in the first place.

If you are rich, travel a lot, and neglect your wife, then watch out for that polite driver of hers; or if you are a government big wig, the over-solicitous bodyguard who is always ‘yes, madame.’ Remember, in movies, wealthy white men worry about plumbers or pool boys.

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