When desire doesn't meet expectations in relationships

When two people first fall in love, the excitement can cause them to imagine future possibilities that turn into expectations.

While some people are open about their expectations, others assume that their partners should already know what they want because they love them, or they see it as a sign of compatibility.

However, expecting your partner to know how you would like to be loved without discussing it can create misunderstandings and resentment, as they will show love in ways that make sense to them.

Consultant psychologist James Bosse says that uncommunicated expectations don’t belong to the other party since they are not shared in the relationship.

He says that intimacy needs evolve as a relationship progresses and circumstances change. However, social influences also play a role, as expectations these days come from individual fulfilment, unmet selfhood needs, family modelling, trauma, media and dating culture.

“Media has a major influence on how intimacy is imagined. What is presented on screens creates standards that you cannot put into practice,” he says.

Some of the unrealistic expectations are thinking that your partner will always be ready for physical affection or that they will constantly validate you. This creates a gap where what is expected and what is experienced do not always align.

He says that the current generation wants entitlement, ownership and control, while the older generation wanted companionship.

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“This generation has shifted from duty-based to fulfilment-based, whereas for our generation, it was my duty to make a relationship work. We put effort into making sure it worked,” he says.

There is a difference between desire and expectation; desire, he explains, is organically emotional and biological, while expectation is something that you can play around in your mind.

James says that lovers can experience aligned desire, but different expectations or shared expectations, but mismatched desire. He gives examples such as libido differences, where communication is necessary to understand what each partner is experiencing.

“These differences often arise during stress or life changes. Without clear communication, they can lead to resentment, distance and breakdown in connection,” he says.