Soft guy or modern gentleman? Men who carry their women's handbags

Mutua Kyalo, 34, is an IT expert married with two children, the youngest two years old. His wife is a lawyer who works at her father’s law firm in Nairobi.

When they tied the knot seven years ago, Kyalo was working for a telecommunication company. In 2020, he got laid off as the company downsized following the Covid-19 effects at the workplace.

As his wife became the sole breadwinner in their family, Kyalo became a stay-at-home husband, taking up roles such as cooking, attending to their children and even going to shop for the family grocery activities traditionally viewed as women’s duties.

“I get IT jobs here and there, so it is not like I am idle or not helping in putting up the bills. However, I have learned to operate from the house where I have now created a small office space. My wife and I agreed that we don’t need a househelp since I am home and can undertake many of the activities that require a househelp or manager,” says Kyalo.

“Some of my friends and even relatives have a problem with that. They don’t understand how I can change diapers and go shopping for groceries saying I have compromised my masculinity. They don’t understand how my wife pays for most of our family bills like rent. One openly told me ‘nimekaliwa…mimi ni mwanaume wa kubeba kibeti ya mama. I ignore all that. I no longer look at marriage the way I saw it growing up in a patriarchal society where a man has command and final word over the woman,” Kyalo says.

In Kenya, the concept of stay-at-home dad is still being received with mixed reactions due to the conventional gender roles of the man being the breadwinner and the woman the primary caregiver.

One of the significant drivers of this change is the rising levels of unemployment in the country as the cost of living and taxes remain a threat. This often necessitates a dual-earning household to ease the burden.

According to findings published by the Pew Research Centre 2023, the number of stay-at-home dads is on the rise representing 18 per cent of stay-at-home parents.

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Like in the case of Kyalo, Kenyan men who are embracing the role of stay-at-home fathers constantly face societal stigma and pressure.

Ndegwa, a 32-year-old father of two, has over the years warmed up to the idea of being a stay-at-home dad because his Bachelor’s Degree in Biochemistry is collecting dust at home, unable to secure employment for over four years.

His wife, Sly, who is the sole breadwinner, says: “We decided that he stays home and takes care of our children. It has saved us money we used to pay for househelp and other domestic activities.”

Despite societal pressure, Ndegwa says he feels fulfilled raising his sons and bonding with them while relieving his wife of house chores.

Are our men warming up to being submissive? Are the roles changing?

Mercy Opondo, 27, says since she started dating her boyfriend, now her fiancé, five years ago, he has never had a problem showing affection. He even carries her handbag when they are on a date or even out shopping.

“He is cool with it and that makes me proud. To me, that is a gentlemanly gesture, a posture that tells the world he is not bothered by what others might think. He is not insecure with his masculinity,” says Opondo.

The same sentiments were expressed by popular content creator Terence Creative, who is married to Milly Chebby. In November 2022, he said men should carry handbags for their wives, a statement that triggered an online debate.

“Real men carry their wife’s bag, make them breakfast, open doors for them, pull chairs for them…tuko pamoja Kweli?” posted Terence.

“Ifikie bestie please. Thank you babe for you are never ashamed of loving me both in private and public,” Chebby wrote back.

While System Unit’s DJ Mo took sides with Terence, suggesting that men should also take their wives to the salon, one Mlale Lynne wrote: “My personal opinion is that handbags are accessories. They are meant to compliment your outfit, not your partner’s, so I feel like my man carrying my handbag sort of defeats the purpose of me having it in the first place. He can help me carry anything else, but not my handbag.”

Masculinity lacks a universal interpretation; it varies across cultures.

However, manhood as a concept is changing. More sophisticated perceptions are replacing the stereotypical ideas of men as stoic and domineering.

These days, men are urged to be sympathetic, helpful, and engaged in family life. It’s possible to interpret carrying a handbag as a rejection of obsolete macho stereotypes.

In an article published by The New Yorker, social scientists say contemporary American men are mired in malaise, but they disagree on the causes.

In academic performance, boys are well behind girls in elementary school, high school, and college, where the sex ratio is approaching two female undergraduates for every one male. It was an even split at the start of the 1980s.

Rage among self-designated “incels” and other elements of the online “manosphere” appears to be steering impressionable teens toward misogyny.

Men are increasingly dropping out of work during their prime working years, overdosing, drinking themselves to death, and generally dying earlier, including by suicide.

In Kenya, the push for gender equality, especially in the workplace and the political scene seems to be yielding fruit with more women scaling up the ladder to take up senior positions with more getting elective positions.

During the 2022 general election, the number of women elected increased to 194 from 179 in 2017.

Further, we are also in the era of ‘Drizzle Drizzle’ a slang that speaks about men being taken care of financially by their spouses or partners.

Some called it the ‘Soft Guy Era Movement’ to mock what was referred to as the ‘Soft Girl Era Movement.’ The ‘Soft Girl Era Movement’ encouraged women to abandon the independent girl lifestyle and look for a man to provide for them to avoid the pressure of footing bills. For the Soft Guy Era, it is the same concept, now with the man as the recipient.

According to some men, they would gladly date a woman who has more money than them to finance their lifestyle.

However, Kelly Otieno and Sydney Aganda have a different opinion. “Even if the woman gives you money and acts as a breadwinner in the relationship, it is important to note that the relationship will not last long because she will end up being the boss,” Sydney said.

“I would like a financially literate woman. A woman who understands how to make and save money. It’s not a bad thing if she is richer or financially better off than me, but I would emphasise not relying on her, rather working together for the benefit of the relationship,” said Kelly.

- Additional reporting by Molly Chebet