Fatherhood, and what it takes to be a dad

Tomorrow, June 18 is Father's Day, a day set aside to honour fathers who embrace fatherhood with bravery. The traditional African father was not actively involved in his children's lives and never really participated in their day-to-day lives.

But times have changed, and fathers today are intentionally playing a more hands-on role in raising their children.

Eve Magazine celebrates fathers who show up for their children and do their best to be the best version of themselves for their children. We spoke with several men to find out what it takes to be a father in 2023.

KING KAKA, MUSICIAN AND ENTREPRENEUR

What do you love most about being a father?

The process of watching your child grow from being dependent to independent is miraculous. To see them go from not being able to eat on their own or walk or even talk, to being independent, is something beautiful. I also love the opportunity of getting to shape their future. Further, seeing yourself in your children is something to behold. I see everything from my obsessive-compulsive disorder to my creativity (drawing and painting) in my children.

What is your biggest challenge?

The fact that no matter how hard you try you can never be a perfect parent. You can intentionally try to be the best parent, but there is only so much you can do as you cannot protect your children from everything. Another challenge is not always being able to watch out for your children, especially when they are away from you. When you are not with them, they are exposed to many things that are beyond the scope of your protection. As a parent, you simply hope that what you have poured into your child will be enough to sustain them and help them to thrive, be successful and happy.

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How has being a father changed you?

I have become a lot more patient. I also carry myself differently, I grind harder because I am not just taking care of myself, but I have children who are dependent on me. Additionally, I try to be responsible and set a good example for my children.

What do you like doing with your children?

We love going to the movies, but I also enjoy taking them on dates individually. This helps me to know each child individually.

How did the relationship with your father affect you as a father?

I did not have a good relationship with my late father and it is what inspired me to write the song Papa. I saw how my father was violent towards my mother and they eventually separated. I did not want that for my children. It has made me intentional in my role as a husband and father because I want to leave behind a good legacy for my children. I want to be a better father to my children. I am not perfect but I am intentional and willing to do better.

DADDY OWEN, GOSPEL ARTISTE

What do you love most about being a father?

I have two sons and watching them makes me feel like I have my heart bouncing in both of them. It is like watching a replica of you bouncing around. Every man has this instinct to want to nurture and take care of something; it is a man's first instinct. Taking care of others almost defines you as a man and gives you purpose.

How has being a father changed you?

When you become a parent the way you look at life changes completely and you become a role model for your children. It is one thing when the public labels you a role model, but being a role model for your children in private carries a more intimate and heavy responsibility. You are modelling for your children what it is to be a man, and how to live an abundant and successful life.

What challenges have you had as a father?

You know you have no choice but to make it. Your children will define what success is in your life, you will set the standard, and you cannot fail. You will also need to model for them what it looks like to be an emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy man.

How did being in the delivery room affect you as a father?

I joke that I am like a cyborg because although being in the delivery room was good because I was able to support my wife when she was in labour, it did not make me emotional or anything. It was just nice to be there to provide support.

How much has parenting changed?

I grew up in the countryside with a big family and had a wonderful childhood, but times have changed. Children today lack social skills because they have so much that they can do in the house to entertain themselves. They never really come out to play many live in neighbourhoods where everyone keeps to themselves.

This means they miss out on the community aspect of childhood. Parents need to teach their children how to be social. Also, I find that parents today are focused on preparing their children for white-collar jobs and do not invest in teaching their children different skills. They need to nurture the different skills in them to prepare them for the world.

PASCAL TOKODI, ENTERTAINER

What do you love about being a father?

There are many things I love about fatherhood, but I know we do not have all day so I will give two. Firstly, I love being called a father. Secondly, I love the fact that it has changed me for the better; it has made me grow up. I love my daughter more than anything else in the world.

What do you love doing with your daughter?

I like doing things that make her smile. Her smile melts my heart, it is beautiful. She usually gets up between 5.30am and 6am and when she gets up, I play with her. My wife and I have intentionally bought her toys that make different sounds because we want to raise her in a musical environment. It is wonderful to watch her play with the different toys and to learn which music and sounds she loves most.

What is the biggest challenge of being a father?

My daughter is now 14 months old. About a week ago she got sick, and my wife and I took her to hospital. I have never felt so helpless because she is unable to communicate what she is feeling because she is still a baby. It is difficult to watch your child suffer and not know how to make it better for them. She is better now, but that was hard.

Any advice on fatherhood?

Ensure that the love that you give your child or children is the same as the one that you give to your wife. Do not lose the love that was there between you and your wife before you become parents. Being a parent can be consuming because you love your child or children very much and they invade every area of your life.

Therefore, you must find ways to create time and space for yourself. I mean even my bed is no longer mine, and it can be easy to forget each other as parents, but you must be keen on keeping that love alive so that you enjoy parenthood.

TIMOTHY OWASE, CEO KENYA FILM COMMISSION

What do you love about being a father?

I love the sense of responsibility that comes with being a father. I have two sons, 22 and 14 and a daughter, nine. I do everything with them in mind. l also love to spend time talking with them. They tell me what is going on in their lives and I tell them what is happening in my life. We discuss everything - from God to my job, to the future of work. Also, we are living in different times today. Children today are exposed to the internet and so I like talking to my children about appreciating the benefits of social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram, and also noting the danger of such sites if their use is not checked or controlled.

How has fatherhood been since you lost your wife?

After my wife died in March 2018, my role as a father changed drastically. I took on the role of a mother to my children. It was challenging to play the roles of both mother and father at first, but I have slowly gotten the hang of it. For starters, I had to change my routine. I now ensure that I not only come home early from work, but get up at 5am to prepare them for their day. This Friday my daughter is having a sports day event, and I have to be available, but I have to be prepared to participate in the sporting activity with other parents. The past six years have not been easy, but it gets better each day. I miss my wife, but we have to find a way to move on. As a father, I still talk about her to my children and we still celebrate special days like her birthday and our anniversary. My role as a father is to create an environment where my children can freely talk about their late mother to not only keep her memory alive but also to enable my children to grow.

Any advice for fathers out there?

Put God first before everything else; once He is at the front everything else will fall into place. We cannot be perfect parents and protect our children from everything, but if God is the foundation of our parenting, then He will take care of areas where we are lacking. Be intentional about taking on the responsibility of leading because your children are watching you and learning from how you walk in this world.

FRANKIE JUSTGYMIT, FITPRENEUR

What do you love most about being a father?

One of the most rewarding aspects of being a father is experiencing the unconditional love between a parent and child. The bond formed with a child can be incredibly strong and brings a deep sense of joy and fulfilment to my heart.

How has fatherhood changed you?

It has made me patient and resilient. I developed patience and resilience as I navigated the ups and downs of raising a child. Learning to adapt to new situations and finding solutions to problems has helped me strengthen these qualities.

What are some of the challenges of being a father?

Balancing parental responsibilities with other aspects of life, such as work, relationships, and personal interests. Finding the right balance can be demanding and requires effective time management and prioritisation. But we move!

How did being in the delivery room for the birth of your children affect you?

Being in the delivery room provided me with an opportunity to offer emotional support to the mother of my child during labour. This in return provided reassurance and comfort during an intense and challenging time for her.

Also, being in the delivery room during birth can create a shared experience between a man and the mother of his child, strengthening their relationship and forming lasting memories together.

Witnessing the process of childbirth can also give a father a deeper understanding and appreciation for the physical and emotional aspects of what mothers go through. It fostered a greater sense of respect and admiration for the mothers in my life.

What advice do you have for fathers?

I have four. Firstly, prioritise self-care - take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Being a father can be demanding, so allocate time for activities that rejuvenate you, whether it is exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends.

Taking care of yourself allows you to be a better parent. Secondly, maintain open lines of communication with your child. Encourage them to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and be a good listener. Effective communication helps build trust and strengthens the parent-child relationship.

Thirdly, express your love and affection for your child through words, gestures, and physical contact. Regularly tell them you love them and provide hugs, kisses, and affirmations. Children thrive when they feel loved and valued. Lastly, enjoy the journey.

Parenthood is a unique and incredible journey. Embrace the joy and challenges that come with it. Be present and cherish milestones and everyday moments with your child. Remember to have fun and enjoy the process.