Can offences wives commit only be corrected with violence?

By now you may have heard the reports that musician Jose Chameleone’s wife has filed for divorce. In the documents presented to court by her lawyers, she claims that Chameleon beats her regularly “for no good reason”. Ahem!

I’m not trying to diminish anyone’s pain, but please tell me, what is ‘good reason’ to beat your wife? Or husband, for that matter? I’m sorry, but on this topic for me there is no middle ground. It is clear black and white.

Some proponents of this madness, especially the village bred types, say that beating is a sign of love. In fact, I have heard stories of women in rural outposts who deliberately provoke quarrels with their husbands to gauge the temperature of their romance.

If the man is goaded into violence, then the love is declared strong. If he does not bother to lift a finger, then it means he does not care! Banaange! If caring is measured in black eyes and broken teeth, why not just put the woman in front of a speeding motorbike and let her get properly injured once and for all?

I know some people who would not dare beat a dog leave a lone the family cat. There are others from nomadic herder communities who would not let anyone beat an errant cow or goat. But they’ll happily get home and break the arm of the mother of their kids. Absolute madness.

Some men have a list of things women are not supposed to do, such as burn food, talk back to him, or be seen with friends the man does not like. Or serve a meal late, serve the wrong meal, or oversleep. However, you will usually find that the classic wife-beater will never stick to the list. He is just as likely to unleash a hot slap because you reminded him that school fees was unpaid as he is to beat you to a pulp for using his mobile phone.

There are other idiots who think that a man who doesn’t beat his wife isn’t a man. Which brings me to the definition of manhood: Some people think it resides around their testicles. Others think that the inability to cry makes a man.

There are yet others who think manhood consists of being accountable to no one. We give our young men so many conflicting messages about what manhood is and how it is attained, that it is no wonder the poor things come out confused and unable to function normally.

Our society is full of young men with no sense of self worth, and so they think that the only way to keep their partner with them is through violence and the threat of it. On the other hand, I have also interacted with women who actually find tumultuous on and off again relationships ‘romantic’.

They feel like someone is fighting for them. What they don’t realise is that someone cannot fight you for yourself, because you’re the one constantly getting hurt! If you are up in the club having loud arguments, breaking up publicly and destroying each other’s property, that is not real love, or ghetto love. That’s insecurity, immaturity and possibly mental illness.

Real love is seldom found in those extreme highs and lows. It is found in the simple daily decisions. The decision to forfeit a night out with the boys and instead buy that extra book your son needs.

The decision to hold your tongue when you can see the man has had a hard day and doesn’t need to be reminded of a leaking tap. Of course, there will occasionally be pain in love, but it should never be of the kind that comes from violence.