I want to be more confident but I don't know where to start

Hi Chris!

All my life, I’ve been shy. I’m especially nervous around people like my boss, and in fact, guys generally. So I struggle at parties and totally despair of ever finding someone to marry. Is there anything I can do to improve?

Shy Girl

Chris says,

Hi Shy Girl!

There’s nothing wrong with being shy, though these days it makes life a lot more difficult because it’s fashionable to be a party animal. But don’t despair. Socialising might make you anxious, but you’ll marry and have children just like everyone else. It will just take you a little longer.

You probably focus on your shortcomings and are a bit of a social perfectionist. Thinking everyone’s evaluating you, so you must be word-perfect. You worry about introductions and making conversation. But once you do get into an intimate relationship, you’ll be fine. Shyness is never a problem once you’re close.

But first, you have to develop your social skills. Most of us pick them up as youngsters, so maybe that didn’t go well for you. Perhaps your parents were overprotective, or you had few opportunities to socialise.

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The route to improving your socialising skills is planning and practice. So instead of worrying about conversations, plan to have something to say. Think of thought-provoking questions to ask. Practise simple, friendly sentences with shopkeepers and waitstaff.

Become a good listener by being genuinely interested in other people. Because when you’re focused on others, you’ll find that your self-consciousness no longer bothers you. And people love being asked about themselves! Learn to enter conversations gracefully, perhaps by developing someone else’s remark, or maybe asking an open-ended follow-up question.

And work on your sense of humour. Seeing the funny side of everything’s a sure way to be liked.

Learning social skills is not easy. It’s a bit like learning another language as an adult. But you’re in good company, because most people are a lot shyer than they appear. They also have to constantly develop and improve their social skills. So copy their ideas, practice hard, and you’ll succeed!

All the best,

Chris