Are girls choosy or am I just poor at dating?

Hi Chris,

I've not been in the dating game long, and I'm not doing too well. Just about every girl I approach gives me the brush off, and on the rare occasions I date a girl, things don't go further.

Especially when it comes to intimacy. So where are all those hook-ups and one-night stands I keep hearing about?

Or is the reality what some of my (also unsuccessful!) male friends tell me - that girls don't actually like intimacy much, and are choosy these days? Am I just wasting my time?

Not Doing Too Well

Chris says,

Hi Not Doing Too Well!

Everyone thinks women are choosier than men, but that's not true. In real life, everything depends on who makes the first move. Because men and women are both cautious when someone approaches them, and more enthusiastic when the roles are reversed.

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That does put men at a disadvantage though because they're generally expected to take the initiative.

Take a tip from experienced guys. Wait until you see some indication that a girl's interested in you before you make a move. Then in effect, she'll have approached you, even though you'll be the one who goes over and says the first words.

Those one-night stand? Again people think men leap at every opportunity, and women are far more careful. But in reality, women are just as receptive as men - as long as the offer is from someone who's familiar or famous!

That's because all girls subconsciously assume that every unfamiliar man will be useless in bed. So get to know your girl better before you make your move - or become famous!

On the other hand, it is true men enjoy those hook-ups more than women. But in long-term, committed relationships, women like being intimate just as much as men. Probably because her satisfaction depends so much more on having a partner who cares about how she feels.

This is also why surveys that ask men and women how many partners they want generally get it wrong. A few hugely randy guys inflate the average for men. But in real life, a big majority of both men and women are happiest with just one steady partner.

Surveys that suggest that men actually do have more partners than women during their lives are also mistaken. Because men exaggerate, and women downplay their adventures. But when psychologists ask the right questions, then men and women admit to having exactly the same number!

So, are you wasting your time trying to date? No, not if you learn the right way to approach girls. And going for those one-night stands? That's probably counterproductive. Because intimacy is better between a committed couple.

All the best,

Chris