What men get wrong about intimacy

A disagreement with your significant other can leave you feeling like they are either clueless or inconsiderate.

But it could all be because men and women are so different, that perhaps the goal should be to really understand each other to glide through the challenges and build strong, lasting relationships.

After all, it has been said that "men are from Mars, and women are from Venus".

That is how the American author and relationship counsellor John Gray, PhD titled his famous book which was published in 1992.

The two genders are so different that the counsellor saw it fit to address the fundamental psychological differences between the sexes in a bid to make it easier to resolve disagreements.

This piece focuses on men and the things they need to know about women. She may be sulking around the house or giving you the silent treatment, while you do not know what you did wrong.

Or you have that nagging feeling deep down that not all is well in the relationship when it comes to intimacy and romance.

We compile a few views as we explore what men should know about the women in their lives to have fulfilling relationships and partnerships.

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It is easy to jump out of bed and get right onto unpacking your hectic schedule. You may be thinking about that important meeting at work, your business or what your children need, but do not forget about the person lying right next to you.

Melvin, a 33-year-old accountant based between Nairobi and Dubai says that a man should never wake up and look at his phone the first thing.

"I expect a kiss and demand attention in order for me to feel seen and loved," she says.

The young lady notes that reassuring your woman about her beauty while she is at her most vulnerable, in her bonnet; or with her hair wrapped up and in a comfy tee goes a long way in culturing comfort between you.

Men's Health Magazine shares the same sentiments in their report, 6 Things You Should Do With Your Wife As Soon As You Wake Up.

"You send each other texts throughout the day, and you both put in the effort for an occasional date night. But do you take the time every day to truly pause and connect?"

The report poses, adding, "The morning is the perfect time for this-not only because what you do first thing can set the tone for the rest of the day, but because you have not already gotten bogged down with other responsibilities."

The study notes that when we are relaxed, we are more open to feelings of intimacy and connection.

Some suggestions on how to make the morning a bonding moment include; waking up earlier to have coffee or breakfast together, complimenting your lady, taking time to admire each other and making each other laugh.

There are the things that women want, and there are things that they need - they are different.

The popular relationship coach Stephan Labossiere, who goes by Stephan Speaks on YouTube and social media tells his 1.2 million subscribers that this kind of protection is a need.

"Women desire men to be protectors and providers - at least most of them do," Stephan says.

"It is not just about protecting them physically, but emotionally too. You have to be mindful of not bringing toxic energy to your woman or burdening her with unnecessary stress," he says, adding, " If you keep her in a positive place, this strengthens her to do the same for you and the household."

The coach adds that security is crucial in a relationship, noting that a lack of it makes your woman build walls up.

"Part of that security includes committing to her," he says.

Stephan's points are similar to the popular media personality Steve Harvey, who, while reflecting on his life experiences in the book Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man notes how crucial protection and provision are.

"But if he loves you, he will profess it, he will provide for you, and he will protect you. If he loves you, the ultimate profession is, "This is my wife,'" Harvey writes.

Disagreeing with your significant other can bring an untold amount of tension in the home.

Both of you said things you did not mean, and instead of being a team, were pitted against each other at that moment.

To work his way out of the rough patch, a man should approach his lady with empathy, sensitivity and a willingness to take responsibility for his role in the fight.

"My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We are open and we communicate well. But sometimes we do have arguments and fights that get a little bit out of control," 41-year-old relationship coach Marni Kinrys says as she begins to offer advice on how to fix things with your girl after a fight.

She adds that your priority should be stopping the situation from escalating or becoming worse than it already is.

"The argument that we had on Saturday night was because he was stressed out, he had a job that he was supposed to do in a week (he's a freelance producer) and he tends to get stressed and drained ahead of a job. We had plans that night and he was a little down and anxious," says Marni.

In her story, she describes how a disagreement stems from her husband failing to compliment her after she is all dressed up and made up for the evening, and how they work it out in the end.

According to the relationship coach, his moodiness got to her, and there was a lack of communication between the pair at that moment, with both of them getting angry and stressed as the night progressed. They got into an argument that she says "blew up more than it needed to."

The tension spilt over to the next day.

"A lot of people let that disconnect continue because they do not know how to deal with that issue. To fix things, your woman should also be willing to assist," Marni says, adding, "what we are looking for in that situation is an acknowledgement that that happened, a little bit of mutual remorse for it."

The relationship coach says that what she would want from the situation, is for her husband to ask her to talk, and for them to sit and apologise for their roles in it.

"In that situation, I would want him to say something like, 'I am sorry for what happened the other night. I was in a bad mood and I have had time to work through that bad mood, and here is what was going on with me...'"

NBC reports that some steps to take after a fight with your partner are: expressing how you feel, validating each other's feelings on the matter, disclosing your triggers, taking ownership and preventative planning.

"During this step, you will both discuss ways to argue about the issue more constructively if it happens again. Make "positive, actionable" requests, and avoid criticism," NBC reports on preventing similar arguments in future.

For many ladies, sex is a deeply emotional act.

Several ladies who spoke to Cosmopolitan Magazine about what they want in bed shared the need for closeness, taking it slow and attention to detail - depending on the mood.

Forget the false portrayals aired in porn- the types of adult films that show a relentless man going at it while the woman fakes the pleasure. Psychology Today criticises adult content as deceitful in many ways.

"Porn is a male fantasy. It has no interest in women's sexual satisfaction. With its rushed, mechanical, nonsensual sex, it is a rare woman who could (really enjoy it). No wonder so many men are in the dark about women's orgasms and erotic satisfaction," the health website reports.

Mind Body Green, a lifestyle website reports that a couple's ability to appreciate each other's bodies and sexualities and welcome them as they are is at the core of all the things women want.

"Mutual acceptance creates a context that facilitates pleasure, that lets you turn off the brakes, that makes you feel worshipped."