Hidden cost of deception you might miss

When false narratives, whether malicious or seemingly benign, are circulated about you, the psychological impact can be profound.

The immediate effect is a severe breach of trust leading to feelings of paranoia, anxiety and a loss of control over one’s own identity.

Over time, the constant spread of that misinformation can lead to low self-esteem, where the person withdraws completely from social engagements as they begin to internalise the distortion.

Even so-called ‘’white lies’’ often dismissed as harmless, carry the potential for deep hurt because they betray authenticity.

Consider the seemingly trivial example of a friend telling others that a weekend plan was cancelled due to a prior family commitment (a white lie) when, in reality, they simply chose to exclude you from the new plans.

The stated reason obviously protects their social standing, but the discovery of the deception, no matter how small the action, immediately signals disrespect and betrayal. The pain stems not from the missed event but from the realisation that someone actively chose to deceive you, making the relationship feel conditional and unsafe.

Deceptive narratives like that often begin innocuously, either as an attempt to simplify a complex social situation, avoid minor confrontation or whatever the justification may be.

The core mechanism is one of social editing, the deliberate change of facts to manage another person’s perception. For instance, a small, exaggerated comment meant to be humorous can quickly become distorted through repetition, thus evolving into a widely accepted falsehood that damages a reputation.

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When confronted with a lie told about you, the best psychological defence is to engage in non-escalatory processing to preserve your mental health. The first step is to pause and detach from the immediate emotional spike, be it anger, fear, betrayal, etc. The goal here is not to immediately retaliate but to gather necessary information.

Responding effectively requires a shift from emotional reaction to factual clarity. You should calmly verify the source and nature of the lie to understand the full extent of the damage.

Second, employ the “State, Validate, Clarify” technique. State the factual error, for instance, ‘’I heard the claim that...,’’ validate the importance of truth with a statement like, ‘’It’s important for me that our interactions are honest,’’ then clarify the accurate information without anger.

As clinical psychologist Dr Harriet Lerner puts it, maintaining emotional regulation in the face of deception is crucial: “When we over-react or become intensely defensive, we lose our footing and give away our power.’’

A healthy response maintains dignity and limits the power the lie holds over their narrative, thus allowing them to react strategically rather than losing control to the inherent chaos the deception has brought.