Divorce should not mean hating your ex

Divorce does not mean hating your ex (Photo: iStock)

Kerstin is the name of Doug’s ex-wife. Doug is Kamala Harris’ husband. The three have a very interesting relationship. Doug cheated on Kerstin and that led to their divorce, but they continued being friends and co-parented to perfection.

When Doug and Kamala got married, the three formed a very functional blended family that saw the two women become fast friends, even attending the children’s school activities together. If ever there was one, this is a happily ever after thing.

As Kamala is trying her hand at the American presidency, Kerstin is at the front row in support, and that has fascinated many of my countrymen. To them, it does not make sense that an ex-wife can be friends with the current wife.

Over here, we do not do that. All ex by default become enemies. Over here, if an ex tried to be friends with the current, or vice versa, it would become a matter of great suspicion. I think I might have got the discrepancy figured out though. One per cent is the divorce rate in Kenya, meaning ninety-nine per cent of marriages stick. On the outside, that is a great success rate and we should be commended as a country.

America on the other hand has a divorce rate of forty-two per cent - fun fact; in America, there are eighty-six divorces every hour. It must be nice to be a divorce lawyer over there.

What do the statistics have to do with what I think happens? Culture. In Africa in general, we have a history of taking marriage very seriously. When we stand before wedding guests and our chosen deities and swear that it is for better or worse, we mean it. We become ride or die, even when the only obvious outcome is ‘die’.

We stay in abusive marriages because we do not want to let the community down, and also because being married has been known to validate especially women.

More often than not, it is the woman who is abused, she is the one getting the raw end of the deal, but she will not leave, because God and the community hate divorce. Over there in the land of milk and honey, marriage is very casual, and they do not have all the shenanigans of the man asking the woman’s family for her hand in marriage, there are no goats given to the woman’s family.

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They get married because they want to, not because they are afraid of getting too old, or are tired of mouthy aunts asking when they would get married. Over there, people who turn up to witness the nuptials are just that, witnesses – unlike ours who are more or less stakeholders.

Over here, when a married couple falls out of love, they stay on, and the resentment checks in. If Kerstin was African and Doug cheated on her, the most likely thing she would have done was pray for him and then blame the woman who had tempted him into having an affair.

Over here, husbands get away with affairs. Once in a while, the affairs are what breaks the camel’s back, contributing to the one per cent divorce rate.

By the time the divorce happens, there is a lot of resentment, and expecting the ex-wife to be friends with the current wife is very ambitious.

Already, remaining friends with the ex-husband is a tall order that is hardly filled. Over there, the smallest hint that a marriage life is no longer rosy will likely lead to divorce.

When you get divorced before resentment checks in, remaining friends is not so hard. They understand that falling out of love does not mean hating the person you were in love with, it just means you no longer want to be intimate with them. You no longer feel like they are part of the centre of your universe. They are no longer the people you dream of at night, the reason you wake up smiling. The minute you start fantasising about other potential partners, it is over. I know we love to demonise Western culture, but I wish Africans could borrow this particular one.

If it is not working, happily move on. If the shoe no longer fits, get another shoe instead of folding your toes so that they can fit you.