My fiance has children, how will it be as a stepmother?

Hi Chris,

I’m getting married later than most of my friends, and my fiancé has been married before. So I’m really worried about how I will get on with his ex and their kids. Everyone tells me it’s a total nightmare!

Stepmom

Chris says,

Hi Stepmom!

It’s true, you will face challenges. You’ll feel insecure around his ex, you’ll resent the child support he pays her, and his children may seem to favour her. That’s understandable, because children always see their biological parents as their mum and dad, even after a divorce. So your fiancé needs to give you a lot of support in front of them.

You may be tempted to pretend that you’re their biological mother. Don’t. Let them develop their unique relationship with you in their own time.

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Your fiancé’s ex may be jealous and resentful. She may worry that you’re somehow replacing her in her children’s lives. She may try to stop them from interacting with you. She may call her ex endlessly about every little problem in her life. Or about money. Or about things she could be doing. Help him to gently put an end to all this.

Watch out if she’s obviously calling because she’s lonely and showing up in places where she knows she’s likely to meet him. Support him when he discourages her.

He and his ex will continue to talk about their children, relatives and so on. There will be school events, graduations and weddings where you and his ex will inevitably run into each other. Grit your teeth and remember that she’s still their mother to their children, and they’ll really want her to be there on these occasions. So smile and say hello whenever you see her, even if you’re seething inside.

When his children are with you, don’t bad-mouth her or get them involved in arguments. Keep their routine as simple as possible. Children feel safer with consistent rules and when they know adults are in charge.

Give them lots of affection and attention and leave the discipline to their father. Gradually everything will fall into place. And his children will become your friends.

All the best,

Chris