'My longtime lover dumped me and married immediately'

There is nothing painful to a woman as getting dumped by a lover they have been together for years, only for him to marry his next sweetheart whom he only dated for a few months. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned in such fashion.

Unlike men, who always want to be a woman’s first lover, women always desire to be a man’s last lover with whom they settled down. Women hate it when they date a man for long, only to hand over him over to his final and future lover. They feel, to borrow women’s parlance, ‘used’.

Most always express frustration at the fact that they wasted their time preparing him for commitment. Little wonder then, that, it is common to hear a scorned woman whine: “I am the one who trained and refined him into the great partner he is, and now another woman is the one to enjoy the fruits of my labour.”

You are also likely to hear victims of such maltreatment complain: “He is such a beast. He kept telling me he was not ready for marriage, but here he is; married after only dating her for three months. He is such a loser, he would have just told me he didn’t want to marry me.”

Break ups are painful. It’s even worse in this so-called post-dating age of techno-romance, where social media ensures you get to know about your exes’ future love life, whether you remain their friend or not. After a nasty break up, most lovers, much as many may not confess to this, always wish their exes bad luck! Some even wish them dead! The worst thing a woman jilted in love wants to hear is news that their ex is getting married, weeks or months after the break-up

However, the ugly and painful nature of such experiences have never stopped women from falling victims. The case of Liz Nyawira*, however, takes the biscuit. Emotionally strong as she claims to be, her husband-to-be running off with her best friend broke her heart into pieces, rendering her an emotional wreck. What’s more, he went ahead and married her almost immediately.

Nyawira, a city-based graphic designer, says: “It was hell. Like being kicked while you are already down”. She says she dated a certain Mark for close to three years, and theirs, so she thought, was a match made in heaven. “For about three years we were one of the perfect couples in town. To me, he was the one and only, and I could not wait for him on go on his knees and pop out the magic words: Will you marry me. Shock on me. This was never to be,” she says.

Nyawira says Mark called her one evening and, out of the blue, said he wanted out of the relationship. “He explained that he did not feel ready for marriage and wanted space and time to think about the whole issue,” says Nyawira. Of course, Nyawira was devastated. She itched to know the real reason behind the abrupt break up.

It, however, did not take long for her to realise that Mark was seeing her best friend, and the two were not only insanely in love, but also planning a wedding. Despite having blocked her on Facebook, through a mutual friend, Nyawira discovered that Mark had gone on overdrive, hyping his then upcoming wedding with her (Nyawira’s) friend. “I could not access their Facebook accounts because they had both blocked me. Our mutual friends sent me screenshots. I was so disappointed with both of them,” Nyawira says. Maurice Njagi*, a cop in Nairobi, dated a woman, whom they got along so well but he, at some point, dumped her for another.

“She would have made a good wife, but I realised not for me! She was too selfless. Quite a beautiful soul, but she focused too on doing stuff for others that she completely forgot about herself. I had nicknamed her 'Redcross'. Her entire life revolved around my sister this, my brother that, my mother, my friend and such. She had no time for me or even herself, her people were always present in her life! I could not cope with her,” Maurice narrates.

When asked why men would date a woman for so long only to drop her and marry their next, Maurice says: “Some women are only good as girlfriends, but when it comes to marriage they hardly measure up. There is absolutely nothing ‘wife material’ about them.” He goes on to mention women who drink and smoke as examples. “You may completely like someone except for a trait or two which you may have a very strong opinion against. There are men who can date women from other communities, but can never marry them."

“In such cases, a man can mark time in a relationship with a lady from another tribe, but the moment he stumbles on another from his own tribe, marries he almost immediately,” concludes Maurice. Steve, a journalist, is of the opinion that some of the women who fall victims of such men have themselves to blame.

“One of the reasons why women get messed up in such fashion is that some hijack from men the whole process of getting married. I know of a lady who was dating an old friend of mine, and because of her domineering nature, she took charge of the relationship and wanted things done on her terms,” narrates Steve.

He explains to this writer how the woman began rushing up things and even planned their wedding, without the man’s full blessings. “She almost paid her own dowry when she discovered that her ‘hustler’ boyfriend wasn’t that ready for marriage. The speed was too much, forcing my pal to boycott the marriage at the last minute. The woman was so hurt and dumped him. He feared that it was just a matter of time before she ‘sat on him’ and began henpecking him. But in less than a year, the man married the next woman he dated. The woman has never forgiven him, she still talks ill of him, seven years down the line,” says Steve.

For Julie, a hair dresser in Nairobi, says it’s not just men who dump their lovers and get married to their next partners whom they have hardly dated. “There are women who, perhaps because of their age, are desperate for a wedding and babies. So no matter how much such a woman loves a man, if he is afraid of commitment and she gets another man willing to offer the same, they instantly jump ship,” says Julie.

“Women tend to have time lines and take seriously the issue of the so-called biological clock. I know so many of my friends who jumped ship just because they had found a partner ready to commit and settle down. I have one particular case of a close friend whom I recall dumping her boyfriend of five years in 2012 and married the next man after dating him for only four months,” adds Julie.

She says her friends first lover kept postponing meeting her parents and introducing him to his. “He always came up with an excuse and my pal got fed up. She really wanted to settle down and have babies. When she met her current husband, he seemed ready and straightforward. They didn’t waste time, they tied the knot,” says Julie.

All said and done, being dumped should not be the end of everything. A jilted lover should dust him or herself off and start walking again. Like once someone said, “It is not really about you. People get dumped every day everywhere, all the time and their tears do not swallow dry land.” Painful, but very true! Wandia Maina, a Counselling Psychologist at Phoenix Training Solutions Limited, advises that dating people should always discuss where a relationship is headed, in order for them to avoid such disappointment.

“Establish if you and your partner are on the same page matters your relationship. Know who they really are and what they really want in partner and see if you fit in, lest you get caught in a surprise breakup. One has every reason to get worried if partners they intend to settle down with keeps dragging their feet, especially in introducing them to their family, friends and associates. It is important to get inquisitive when in such a situation,” Wandia advises.