My late husband's close friend is hitting on me

Your Take

I am in my mid 30s and I lost my husband last month. I’m still trying to come to terms with his death which has not been easy but some other things are making this even more difficult. There are many men who are constantly hitting on me and asking me out.

They include colleagues at work and some long term friends most of whom are married. Some of them are married to my very close friends and the most persistent one was my husband’s close friend who started hitting on me even before we buried him. He helped me clear some debts but it is clear that he has some expectations.

Somehow, I cannot do without his assistance but then again I don’t want to give into his requests as I think this would be betraying my late husband. He’s one person I don’t know how to handle right now...how should I go about this?

In your mid 30s, remarrying is a good option if he has the qualities you desire from a man. Everything happens for a reason. {Aseri Dick}

It pays a great deal to be fair and firm. I encourage you to read, ‘So Long A Letter,’ by Miriam Aba and you will know that a woman whose husband is dead keeps her dignity by being firm. Get some plans on how to manage your life without selling yourself to men. The man will learn to respect, admire and love you if you stick to what you think is right. Tell him you love him but marrying or getting into a relationship with him are not options and spell out your reasons. Remember to smile as you say this and do not look back.

{Tasma Charles}

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It is sad to hear what is going on barely two months after his death. These men are not being true because if they were, they would give you time to heal. This is not the right time to think or talk about marriage or relationships so tell them to keep off.

{Andera Ngota}

The many men hitting on you at the moment are taking advantage of your current vulnerable situation, and are not interested in filling the space left by your husband. Since you are still trying to come to terms with the death of your husband, take your time before making any major decision on your life, lest you make irrational judgement. By taking your time, you will know who might be genuinely interested in you and who is not.

{Daniel Gor}

These men are more interested in your body than in helping you. Remember men behave like monkeys or hyenas and will promise you heaven even when you are going straight to hell then abandon you as soon as they get what they want. Maintain your dignity and let God take control.

{Oliech Nyakwar}

Have you asked yourself what these men really want from you? This is not the right time for them to hit on you. Do not fall into that trap of pleasing him to show your appreciation for what he is doing for you. What if you give him a chance and then he dumps you?. You still have a long way and life ahead of you so relax and take it slow. Be yourself and your relationships will come at the right time.

{Fred Jausenge}

Counsellor's take

This is a common occurrence and many people (both women and men) go through such issues following the loss of a spouse. This is generally triggered by the belief that bereaved persons are usually lonely and vulnerable. However, I have observed that issues of death hit harder on women than they actually do on men and they are often more vulnerable and gullible to men who usually have other selfish interests. Surprisingly, the common culprits in such situations are more often than not family members (brothers-in-law, cousins e.t.c) and close friends of the deceased and the fact is that most of them are only after quick and easy sex. They know she is lonely, needs enormous social and economic support and they seek to benefit from this situation.

With regard to your issue Gladys, that man may have a genuine interest to help you out but you are also conscious of the fact that he has certain expectations. The problem is that when men dangle some form of assistance to women in vulnerable situations, the women feel indebted to give in to the sexual advances from these men to continue enjoying whatever form of assistance is being offered.

Trouble comes when they actually give in because the guy takes off at lightning speed. Often, they will stop picking calls (feigning meetings), change the tone of voice and in most if not all instances discontinue the forms of assistance being provided. The loser then becomes the woman who is left to figure things out by themselves or in the hands of the next pervert.

This is not to say that there are no genuine men out there. Indeed there are people who are ready and willing to help with no expectations whatsoever. For this man, you ought to make the right decision and more so to test if he is genuinely interested.

From your e-mail, I think you are also interested in him. To make it work, show some level of interest but ask for some time to deal with the death of your husband. Remember, as long as you haven’t given in, the assistance will and always be there. Observe him for a month or two. Genuine men will last even longer without the sex and they would certainly give you some time to deal with things. If you take this approach, you may get yourself a true companion.

{Taurus}