What Kenyan men really want from their wives

In this century, marriages have been of more harm than good to the people involved thus leading to divorces and separation cases. This has mostly been blamed on the different views that men and women have about marriage.

Rarely do you find a couple with the same beliefs in marriage, most hold on to marriages through perseverance and hope.

Some women even get into a union with the hopes of changing their men to suit their beliefs. This leads to strained unions because as it is, changing an adult’s beliefs about anything is not a walk in the park.

In order to help women know what they are getting into, we asked men what they really want in a union and these are some of the responses received.

1. Submissive women

As it is, men believe that since they are considered the head of their respective families, their wives should trust their words to be final. Most men feel like women have turned out to bring stiff competition on who heads the family and who makes decisions.

They feel like women are taking over their place as the decision makers in the house. Women don’t trust them and always want to be at the same level with them.

In that case, men made it clear that their place in the family should be respected no matter what. With the wind of change blowing, most women have been empowered and it is almost impossible for men to maintain their once powerful roles.

According to Maurice Matheka, a qualified sexologist with more than 17 years experience, societal pressures bestowed upon us have caused men to end up with the wrong women. The society expects women to be submissive, lady like, gentle, less bold and motherly, traits he trashes if one is to find their Ms. Right.

With these traits in mind, many women end up acting. Women sugar coat their personalities to portray what would be societal ideal and men marry them without much scrutiny since in this society, only married men who fulfil societal rules are deemed successful and preferred in the corporate world.

He also blames this same acting on the many breaking marriages and side dishes, as one can only act for so long. He gives two to ten years for men who are more patient and even less for ladies.

2. Women who do not deny them conjugal rights

Some men argued that unlike our forefathers, in this era, women find all excuses not to give their men the conjugal rights they deserve. Apart from being tired, they always claim to either be sick, in a bad mood or too busy for sexual desires.

Sixty per cent of the men interviewed confessed that their marriages would be better if only their wives gave them their conjugal rights on a daily basis. Men expect their partners to always be on standby any time they need their conjugal rights. Men view the many excuses as rude and irresponsible. Some even pointed out that this makes them stray in order to fulfil their sexual needs.

3. Women who can pay bills without complaining

Some of the men interviewed complained that they were overwhelmed with family bills. From house rents, school fees, electricity bills and water bills, not leaving out the extreme spending when shopping for the house.

To them, marriage is a union for two and it can only be better if the bills are split into half such that each spouse feels an equal pinch. They say some women even earn more that their men but still insist on their men settling bills. They, on the other hand, settle for lesser bills like the daily costs of perishable foods.

4. Hard-working wives

Seventy two per cent of men interviewed confessed that 90 per cent of the work done in their homes was done by their house-helps as their wives threw orders left right and centre. This, according to them, turns them off and makes them have minimal respect for their wives.

They said it is attractive and appealing to see your wife work in the house, by this they mean ‘hands on’ approach.

“A woman who matches her spouse intellectually, chips in family matters as well as accompanies him to parties and social events is a beauty to behold,” says Hezekiel Mahehu, the worship leader at House of Grace International who has been married for nine years.

According to the men interviewed by ‘Eve Woman’, as long as a woman is in the house, she should plan on carrying out the house chores individually.

 The help should only come in if it’s something she cannot do alone. That way, they will have fulfilled their duties as wives, but as long as the help does 90 per cent of the housework, then the wives have failed.

5. Women with high self-esteem and confidence.

Most men confessed to fall in love more and more with women who believe in themselves and have confidence. To them, these traits portray power and trust.

Women who have low self-esteem cannot be trusted to nurture children and bring them up the right way. This is because they will always complain and whine about everything.

 This affects the upbringing of the children and apart from that, it also kills the love that is their partners. Their men will always feel safe and at peace when away from them.

Unlike popular beliefs hammered in our minds courtesy of magazines and too much TV, one need not be necessarily beautiful to be confident.

“Confidence is an attitude,” says Tony, a local bank manager who has been married for 22 years with three children. It is an attitude that comes out in practically any activity; how you eat, how you walk, how you talk, how you sneeze.”

6. Women with inner beauty

Like they say, beauty is skin deep. Apart from the outer beauty that is first to be noticed, men made it clear that a woman’s inner beauty is like fuel in a marriage. The tender love and care in a woman lightens up a man’s world even when a marriage is going through a difficult time.

 Women who are positive thinkers and encourage their men tend to have better relationships than those who are always negative and look down upon their men.

Men are likely to stick to women who will have positive thoughts in case they spend a night out or in case they receive suspicious calls. Not women who are always ready to jump into negative conclusions any time their men stay out late.

Sexologist Maurice Matheka advises that before you say I do, you should ask yourself if you are proposing because, a woman is physically appealing or because you want to settle down with her.

7. Women who are accommodative

When a woman gets into a marriage, she does so knowing that her spouse has a family and relatives. This means she will have to interact with them in one way or another at some point. Men say they love women who accommodate their families as they are without looking down upon them or making a fuss at every given opportunity.

Men want women to love their mothers no matter the relationship they have. They should at least pretend to love them in their presence and not show it outright because that is a sign of disrespect. No man will want to see his mother being intimidated by his wife no matter what.

“I would hate being embarrassed as a result of her loose tongue,” says Francis, a freelance wedding photographer. They say that behind every successful man is a strong woman. Strength comes with emotional and financial support given the hard economic times we are living in.

“I am scared of settling down with a woman who does not understand the nature of my job and the crazy schedules,” he says. “She has to be busy working to also fend for the family, not all over my business micro managing what I do,” he says.

8. Physical maintenance

Even though men said that inner beauty is attractive, they also confessed that women must learn to at least maintain an attractive physical appearance. Most men said their wives stopped caring about their physical appearances the moment they said ‘I do’. This totally turns them off.

Godwin, who dated for five years before saying ‘I do’, confesses that the first thing that attracted him to his wife was the physical appearance. And just like all men are visual creators, they are attracted to what they see.

“If then that is the case, should ladies not maintain what attracted the guy in the first place?” he asks.