My husband won't let me work with men

I am married and have been living with my husband for 12 years since I cleared high school. He took me into his house as soon as I finished my Form Four exams and we have lived together since then. He took me to college and I graduated with a diploma in Early Childhood Development.

I have attended several interviews most of which have been successful but he will not let me work. He is insecure and whenever I get a job he secretly does an investigation to know if there are young male colleagues and if they are there, he tells me to quit saying I am not safe there. This is weighing me down and I am tired of staying idle at home. Please advise me. {Linet}

Linet, your husband seems to have some phobia or is guilty of something. Or you may have given him reasons to doubt you. I think you need to make it clear to him that you need to work and if he genuinely loves you, this should not be a problem. Ask him why he took you to school if he can’t let you work. If something happens to him, God forbid, who will provide for the family? {Onyango Outha}

He is just feeling insecure which could be as a result of your past habits (if any) or he is also messing with the women he works with. He ought to know it was meaningless to take you to college then deny you the chance to practise what you learned in school. He should know human beings are social beings and there’s no way you can only have women as friends. He also needs to learn how to be trustful because even as it is you two don’t spend all the time together he also goes to work.  {Ouma Ragumo}

If he took you to college, he should not have a problem letting you work. As a matter of fact, college is the place you should have met other men if you wanted to. Sit him down and discuss this issue, you could even bring in a third party to help him understand why you need to work. He should also look at the positive impact working would bring in your house. It is normal for him to feel insecure at first because he really treasures you, but later on he’ll get over it. Tell him that he can also feel free to visit you at work and make friends with your colleagues. {Charles Murigi}

This is just insecurity playing out here. He may have witnessed similar incidences where he works and would therefore not imagine having you in such situations. However you need to find a way of convincing him that he is the only man in your life. Find a way of talking to him about this issue and highlight the benefits of having you work for a better future.  {Fred Jausenge}

Counsellor's take

Linet, your husband is only suffering from fear of the unknown. You see, he sees you as vulnerable since he took you in right after you finished high school and as such he thinks you are not well experienced with men. He is only trying to protect you from all those men out there who he seems to think are out to get other peoples wives. He may be doing a good thing but he is going about it in all the wrong ways. By denying you the chance to work and especially when the opportunities are there, he is actually making you more vulnerable than safe. As a matter of fact, stay-at-home women are actually more likely to engage in extramarital affairs than women who go to work and there are many reasons for this. For starters, they have too much time on their hands and nothing to do with it. They also suffer extended periods of solitude that which can make them very lonely. The stay-at-home situation can also rob one of their self worth and thus they can go to great lengths to assert their presence and self worth to anyone who cares to listen in any way possible. By denying you a chance to work, he is actually making you more vulnerable to his worst fears.

Being that you never got to have a chance at dating and do all those silly things people do, you may be having a gap inside of you that will need to be filled someday, one way or the other. As a matter of fact, the sooner the better and he ought to appreciate that you are mature enough to make good decisions and to act wisely.

I have been to and worked in many offices in my days but the most astonishing fact is that office affairs are not as exciting as people think — in fact they rarely happen. The familiarity is just too much and therefore it can feel quite like inbreeding. He should be at peace with you working somewhere and he should come to the realisation that, that which is jealously denied is the one and only thing that we want the most. People have been observed to make very mature decisions if they are given the space and freedom to act without supervision and the opposite is also very true. Those people who are jealously guarded by their spouses are more likely to engage in extramarital affairs than those who are given their space.

Talk to him about this and make him understand that he can trust you to make the right decisions. However, the irony of this world is that in many instances, war is the only way to peace and that freedom is never granted, it is taken. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do when we know it is the right thing; many times others will not see it like that at first but they will follow through with time. If he proves stubborn, you may have to take the bull by the horns. Deep inside, every man knows the strength of a woman who has put her mind to doing something — they always get it done. {Taurus}