My husband told me I can sleep with other men, does he love me?

Dear Coleen

I am a 28-year-old woman, happily married for three years to a man I love. He is handsome, romantic, loving and funny. He is sexually experienced and knows how to satisfy a woman. We have a good relationship, but there is just something missing and I yearn to have sex with other men.

Many a time when I meet other men I imagine what they look like naked and what it would be like to make love to them. I want to caress them and for them to caress me. My husband is aware of my attraction to other guys.

We have a very close relationship and have discussed it several times. At first he found it quite painful, naturally, but I have reassured him of my love for him and my commitment to our marriage, and he understands more where I’m coming from.

I don’t feel I can go on like this and have asked his permission to sleep with other men. He has consented to this and the next time I find myself attracted to another man I am going to proposition him.

Is this wrong of me?

Coleen says

You’re playing with fire and risk getting horribly burnt. You might find this fantasy of yours isn’t as good as you imagined it would be and you could lose your husband in the bargain. Yes, he’s saying you can do it, but it’s not because he wants you to, it’s because he loves you and is frightened he’ll lose you if he doesn’t agree to it. Think carefully about how you’d feel if he decided to do the same.

This isn’t my idea of a good relationship. Some people have open marriages and they work for them, but in my opinion it’s usually more open for one partner than the other and someone inevitably gets hurt.

Also, bear in mind that it’s easy to say you want to sleep with other men but, until you do it, you won’t know how it’s going to affect your marriage. Be aware that it could blow it apart, whatever your hubby feels now, and completely change how you feel about each other.

I do think it’s a shame you can’t find a way of creating that spark in your sex life with him. Or maybe you just want the best of both worlds. If you were telling me your hubby wanted to do this, I'd be saying he wants to have his cake and eat it!

You say such lovely things about him, but I think you’re being incredibly selfish. We all see other people and think they’re attractive, but most of us in relationships don’t act on it. You need to ask yourself, honestly, if you really want to stay in this marriage.