Breaking tradition: The rise of childfree men

In Africa, having a family has always been considered the cornerstone of society. The union of a man and a woman and the subsequent birth of children has been celebrated as a means of perpetuating the family lineage and ensuring future prosperity.

On the other hand, being childless carried some stigma and anxiety, and was sometimes even associated with being bewitched. In Africa, a childless couple was never considered complete, as the wider community had a stake in the union. Phrases such as ‘it takes a whole village to raise a child’ justified the importance of having children. Having children seemed to be the ultimate validation of a relationship. But is it?

Today, however, a significant shift is taking place, with more men openly choosing to be in stable relationships without children. This is a major shift, as being childless was always viewed from the standpoint of the woman, who was accused of being a failure or of putting her career ahead of family. Society rarely placed the burden of having children on the man.

Changing urban lifestyles, financial considerations and past family relationships have been cited as some of the reasons men are shying away from having and raising children and thus moving away from hitherto “sacred” duties. Psychology Today calls such relationships childfree, not childless, to distinguish them from the biological reasons for not having a child.

Joyce Mbithe* a 29-year-old media practitioner and whose boyfriend has told her in no uncertain terms that he does not want children, feels men with similar attitudes are selfish as they only want to “enjoy the benefits of a relationship with nothing else (read children) to show for it “.

“He has told me that he wants to stay single, make a lot of money and just enjoy sex with no children. I want to be in the relationship, so I just have to go along with his wishes and hope I don’t blunder one day and conceive,” says Mbithe.

While no man wanted to be on record, those we talked to and who hold on to this view say getting married and bearing children “has been overrated by a society that will in turn stand by and watch as your children suffer or if the marriage goes south”.

They feel the traditional safeguards that existed ages ago are no longer binding as parents stress more on their children getting a better education and a good job.

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“Girls in Kenya have said they only fear a lack of internet bundles and pregnancy. Why should we push them into having children?” John Maina, a young IT expert in Nairobi, says jokingly.

Anne Njoki, an office assistant in the city, feels a woman should never trust such a man, as he can easily “play tricks on you while playing by another rule book out there”. How?

“I know a friend who trusted her husband, who stated he doesn’t want children. She went along but found out that the same man had a child with another woman outside of marriage. Yet, if my friend were the one who was against having children, society would have judged her harshly and said that she was the reason her man went outside. Life has no balance,” says Njoki.

Of course, most men who choose not to raise a family do not resort to infidelity. Some are coming out of past family trauma, perhaps due to absent fathers or having watched the difficulties their parents faced while raising a large number of children. They just do not want their children to go through similar experiences, hence their decision to remain childfree.

Others, especially firstborn sons, shouldered heavy responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, thus equating child rearing with burdensome chores.

Jared, a Nairobi businessman, comes from a large family where he helped his parents care for his siblings, educating them to college level. The last thing he wants is a child “yapping all day and reliving my childhood trauma”.

“I just don’t want kids, end of story,” he said with no hint of uncertainty. “I have my ‘bae’ whom I take to all exotic places. I have provided for my siblings out of love. My younger brothers can have children if they wish.”

According to Faith Gichanga, an organisational counsellor, caring for younger siblings has contributed to some men becoming repulsive about raising their own children, fearing that such ones will face similar hardships growing up.

“Those who became deputy parents while young and probably still shouldering family responsibility and parenting of their siblings even in adulthood may want nothing to do with children. They just want to live for themselves or can’t imagine adding children to the already heavy burden of being parentified,” she says.

In addition, Gichanga says there are also those whose traumatic experiences with their own fathers have made them repulsive to children. “They have the trauma of neglect from absent fathers, indulged heavily in alcohol and perpetuated violence in the home. This category usually fears becoming terrible dads and hurting their children emotionally as their dads did to them,” Gichanga says.

According to a report on childfree men, Psychology Today stated that some modern men want nothing to do with parenting after contrasting their fathers’ “distant parenting approaches to what they felt would be ideal, such as being the guy who can change a nappy and hold the baby and be there”. They fear bringing up a child in “this cruel world”.

“They believed that if they became fathers, they must be emotionally available, unlike their own fathers, hence deciding to have children, a rather big one,” the report added.

The report, quoting the results of a poll, adds that some men cited “bad experiences” from their peers as reasons for giving children a wide berth.

“Men used their observations of their friends’ negative experiences to justify their decisions to be childfree, naming consequences such as the loss of a sex life and dealing with poorly behaved kids. None of the men made any positive observations of their friends’ experiences with raising children.

Paradoxically, the report said most of the reasons given by men who want to be childfree, fear of a child suffering, being an absent father, and economic apprehensions, are among the characteristics of what makes a great father.