Ten types of newlyweds in Kenya

In Kenya, spotting newlyweds isn’t difficult. They wear their love on their sleeves, quite literally and flood social media with declarations of eternal affection. But beneath the glamour and hashtags, many of these relationships fizzle out faster than the wedding champagne goes flat. Whether you are cheering them on or side-eyeing their hashtags, one thing is certain: Kenyan love stories are never dull. Here are ten classic types of newly married couples you will encounter in Kenya:

1. The show-offs

They want the world to know they’re the new thing in town. Their social media timelines are flooded with wedding photos, romantic captions, and flowery tributes to their “forever person”. If they are influencers or minor celebrities, their content pivots almost entirely to praising their spouse, especially how lucky he is to have married such a “queen”.

2. Public Display of Attention enthusiasts

These couples are Romeo and Juliet. They hold hands everywhere, hug at bus stops, and kiss in full public view, completely unfazed by awkward stares. Expect a steady stream of pet names: “babe”, “honey”, “sweetheart”, “sugar”— every interaction is a performance of affection.

3. The no-honeymoon couple

After the wedding, life resumes as if nothing happened. A honeymoon? Waste of money, they say. They’d rather invest the funds into a business or project. Often, they’ll be spotted back at church or work the very next day, despite being granted a month’s leave to enjoy life.

4. The vanishers

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These ones disappear from the public eye immediately after the wedding. Social media goes silent, updates dry up, and any inquiry into how married life is going is met with, “Mind your business.” Privacy becomes their new personality.

5. The short-lived union

Barely a month in, whispers of trouble emerge—cheating, fights, and betrayals. Divorce papers follow soon after following what they claim irreconcilable differences. Guests and contributors to the wedding are left feeling duped, questioning how their generous gifts ended up supporting a failed experiment.

6. The toxic pair

You’d think they were forced into marriage. Their time is spent hurling insults and unprintable words at each other, airing dirty laundry online, and bickering in front of friends and family. Pastors, “best couples”, parents, and even neighbours are routinely dragged in to mediate constant rows.

7. The clout chasers

They had a picture-perfect wedding at a lush garden venue. But beneath the glitz, it was all for social media numbers. The ceremony was more brand campaign than marital union. You’ll pity how much they spent—but they’ll assure you the engagement was “commercially strategic”.

8. The one-sided couple

In this union, only one person seems excited. One partner floods Instagram with photos, while the other posts selfies or product promotions. It’s only after intense pressure from those in their social circle that the quieter spouse post a blurry throwback photo captioned “#TBT”.

9. The pretenders

In public, they’re the happiest couple alive—matching outfits, glowing captions, affectionate banter. Behind closed doors? A mess. The smiles are for show; the real relationship is tense, unravelling, and full of regrets they can’t admit.

10. The secretive ones (aka pocketed partners)

Yes, they’re married—but you wouldn’t know it. Social media still reflects their “single” status. They won’t post their spouse, and don’t expect the bride to take her husband’s surname anytime soon. It’s marriage on a need-to-know basis.