Of snooty and ‘classy’ campus lot who think they have made it

There is this irritating lot that walks around campus like they have shares in Helb and the sun shines from their bits. People who think and live like they have made it on campus. Everyone knows them but they can’t remember why or how? When they walk, they are given nods of admiration that later evolve into gossip.

Such people are vain narcissists who use hashtags like ‘popping’ and ‘slayage’ on Instagram while uploading filtered photos. The female ones refer to each other as ‘slay queens’. You will find them in tiny groups discussing how far up and thick they can draw their eyebrows and their next photo-shoot or hot event on campus.

The male ones call themselves the ‘crew’ and refer to each other as ‘bruh’. They flock around each other, rate campus beauties and laugh hard at each other’s jokes.

They have sweatshirts with celebrities’ faces patched on them. These people don’t go to class, attend lectures or write notes. They type away on their phones. How could they hold pens? That would be insulting to their glorious hands designed for holding selfie sticks. However, their ‘generator’ phones are not what they pride themselves in. That would be their entertainment systems. Not sound systems with two speakers, which only work well when placed back to back. No, proper systems with at least six tall speakers so the neighbours don’t listen to their wails of fornication in the dead of the night.

Their rooms are lavishly furnished, and outside of school. Not hostels, like clueless freshers. Curtains, actual carpets, bedbug-free beds with springy mattresses and sheets that match the pillow cases. Their kitchens are cramped because they can barely accommodate the liquor bottles in the house.

They have WhatsApp groups with pretentious names like Cool Kids of Main Campus or Peng Tings. On Fridays, the conversations in these groups revolve around contributing ‘500 baab’, for turn up. They don’t have “kutoa form”.

Theirs is plot, turn up, an actual phrasal verb. They club outside school. They are too classy for cramped bars where the DJ plays bazokizo the entire night. Catch them dead in clubs that don’t have sheesha and moet. They are classier than that.

People who think they’ve made it on campus would make you think that their degrees will be conferred upon them with the titles ‘Chief Slayer’ or ‘King Turn Up’. Anyway, like they say, to each his own, right?