I had affair with my husband’s friend and I’m still not over him

After my hubby caught me out, we’ve been trying to repair the marriage – but even though we’re happy I can’t stop thinking about my ex

Dilemma: I can’t forget my affair

Dear Coleen

Five months ago I was caught in an affair with a friend of my husband’s.

The affair was very short, only lasting a few months, but I fell completely in love with him.

My husband and I have been trying to make a go of things and, for the most part are happy, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex.

He hasn’t contacted me since the day we were found out – not a phone call, not a text, nothing.

And I can’t help thinking “If only”.

Do you think I should get on with trying to repair things with my husband and forget the ex? I think about him constantly.

Coleen says

I think you’re dwelling on the romantic notion of what could have been and possibly also missing the excitement of the affair.

But I’m assuming your husband wanted to work at saving your marriage and you chose to stay with him.

However, I don’t think you’ll make any real progress – or stop thinking about the ex – until you have a frank discussion with your husband about why you felt you needed to cheat and what was missing.

Right now it sounds like you’re vulnerable to having another affair. Then you need to talk about what each of you can do to put that excitement back.

You can’t sweep what happened under carpet because it will rear its head again at some point.

Something is clearly still not right for you, so be honest with yourself about what it is. It might simply be a case of needing more time to get your head round what happened.

The reason your ex hasn’t been in touch is because he knows you’re back with your hubby and assumes he’s doing the right thing by both of you.