Is it normal to feel this lonely while married?

Hi Chris,

I’ve been married for several years now, and gradually things have gone flat. All those nice little things we used to do together no longer happen and we have no sex life - and no children! It’s got to the point where I’ve started doubting myself and my husband. Is there something wrong with me? Or him? 

Doubting

Chris says,

Hi Doubting!

There’s probably nothing wrong with either of you! But for sure, something’s gone wrong with your relationship. Especially as it sounds as if you and your husband enjoyed each other’s company to begin with, and you did say that you used to do lots of nice things together, didn’t you? Otherwise, you wouldn’t have got married, would you?

Or would you? Maybe the two of you enjoyed the idea of being a young couple together so much that it encouraged you to get married. But in fact, your values weren’t close enough to sustain your relationship, once the novelty and excitement had worn off. In which case, parting company might ultimately be your best option.

But if you really did get along well in the beginning, then maybe you shouldn’t give up on each other just yet. Because what’s happening to you is quite common. Couples often find that their relationship starts to go flat after a few years, and that experience is often much worse if they are childless. Because our subconscious is programmed to make us lose interest in a partner when there are no children, even if that was something you had actively discussed and agreed upon together.

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So whatever the cause of your problems, do talk seriously with your husband about sorting out your issues. Be completely honest with one another, after all, you’ve nothing to lose. And include the possibility that not having children may have affected your relationship. If that sounds too difficult, consider consulting a counsellor. Because if you can figure out what’s missing in your relationship, from both your and your husband’s point of view, you’ll be surprised by how quickly things can get back on track.

All the best,

Chris