The mind of a woman at 30

Life begins at the age of 30, so the saying goes. Is it a birthday card cliché or a truth whispered by experience? For many women, this decade marks a shift in the landscape of their minds.

Perspectives that were once blurred come into sharper focus. The anxieties of the early twenties are replaced by a blossoming confidence, a sense of self-assurance that comes with knowing one's worth.

We've all heard the whispers: the supposed biological clock ticking louder, the pressure to 'have it all' reaching a crescendo. But what really goes on in the minds of women who reach this milestone?

Confident and aggressive. Reared to go, sure of what they want in life and going for it. Shattering stereotypes, redefining what it means to be empowered and celebrating the incredible journey of life that unfolds with each passing year. What exactly is on this woman's mind?

Confronting milestone anxiety

Sarah Okuoro, an editor, shared her thoughts on turning thirty: "There's so much pressure to do so much, to 'fit in' with society - get married, have children. Then there's career advancement, financial pressure - to have a certain amount in your savings account. I suppose it was mainly a question of whether I'm on a par with other 'good' 30-year-olds.

This sentiment dovetails with the findings of a survey by relationship support charity Relate, which found that 77 per cent of 25- to 39-year-olds experience "milestone anxiety" due to the pressure to reach traditional life milestones.

Sandra Mukami, an accountant and mother of one, echoed this sentiment: "In my late 20s I was so anxious about turning 30. Honestly, it was more like dreading my 30s! I had a lot of expectations for myself and let's just say life humbled me because at 30 I realised it wasn't about the timeline, it was about the process".

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According to the Pew Research Center, women in their thirties are more likely to report feeling stressed about work-life balance than men of the same age. Cecilia Adhiambo, a procurement and logistics officer, says: "I cried myself to sleep every day for a week before I turned thirty."

This external pressure can lead to a phenomenon often referred to as "milestone anxiety", where individuals feel compelled to achieve certain life goals by a certain age. A 2023 study published in the Journal of Women's Health also found that women in their thirties reported higher levels of stress and anxiety than younger women.

Unexpected self-discoveries

Looking back on their 20s, many women expressed surprise at their personal growth and changes in perspective. Sarah says: "I took everything too seriously, from relationships to my career. By the time I was 30, I had done everything I wanted to do career-wise and met and exceeded every goal. And here I was stepping into a whole new decade, not sure what new ventures I wanted to explore, but not really wanting to continue with what I was doing in my 20s. But it was a good dilemma because it helped me focus and relax at the same time."

Valarie Atieno, a businesswoman and mother from Nairobi, found that her biggest surprise was her ability to stay calm in difficult situations. "The biggest surprise I have had about myself is the ability to stay calm in difficult situations, to forgive, to adapt to life's situations and to always try to look at things in a positive way, which has worked in my favour most of the time."

According to research by the American Psychological Association, people often experience significant personal growth and increased self-awareness as they transition from their 20s to their 30s. This period is characterised by greater emotional resilience and a more profound understanding of personal values and goals.

Letting go of societal expectations

A recurring theme among the women was the conscious decision to let go of certain societal expectations. Sarah said: "Marriage (she says laughing) is not a must, by the way. I see more horror stories than good stories and I'm scared to death. I choose me; if love finds me along the way, I'll accept it. But I'm not looking for it, I'm not chasing it.

Sandra expressed a similar sentiment: "Women are expected to be nice, soft-spoken and humble... no, I don't subscribe to that anymore. I'm more about being unapologetically authentic and loud. Speak your truth, live your truth and don't tolerate injustice at the same time.

These reflections are in line with wider societal trends in which more and more women are redefining what success and happiness mean to them, moving away from traditional expectations of marriage and motherhood. When it comes to marriage, Cecilia says: "If I marry wrong, I cry alone. I have come to accept God's will and understand that I have no control over the matter.

Carl Jung, the famous psychologist, stressed the importance of individuation, a process of self-discovery and personal growth. He suggested, "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you really are. This tends to resonate with the experience of many women in their thirties as they strive to discover their authentic selves. According to The Independent, many women today prioritise personal fulfilment and authenticity over conforming to societal norms.

Health and wellness priorities

As women reach their thirties, there's a noticeable shift in their focus on health and wellness. Sarah emphasised the importance of a balanced lifestyle: "Rest, walk, eat well, drink more water - repeat. Also, routine health checks, just to be sure. We service our cars quite often; our bodies need assessment and alignment too.

Sandra shared her wellness routine: "I try to make sure I have a morning or evening run at least four days a week. Limiting my social media presence has helped to improve my mental wellbeing. Lastly, some alone time - always works magic!"

This prioritisation of health and wellness is crucial, as studies have shown that physical activity, mental health care and routine health check-ups contribute significantly to long-term well-being. According to The List, women often become more health-conscious in their 30s, leading to better self-care practices and preventative health measures.

Cecilia says she felt the need to "cut down on junk food and sugar" after turning 30. "If I don't take care of my body now, I'll be crying in my 40s and 50s. Eating healthy and exercising is a good investment in yourself.

Changing relationship expectations

Relationship expectations also change as women enter their 30s. Valarie highlighted this change: "I've stopped expecting more from people, but on the other hand I value those who value me."

Sandra added: "I value authenticity in friendships and relationships more than ever. I have also come to respect time in adulthood; both mine and that of my loved ones".

These perspectives reflect a wider trend of women prioritising meaningful and authentic connections over traditional relationship milestones. Cecilia said: "My treatment of men has really improved. I don't date the same calibre of men I used to".

According to a study by The Independent, people in their 30s are often looking for deeper, more genuine relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.

Redefining "Having it all"

The concept of 'having it all' takes on a new meaning in your 30s. Sarah described her shift in perspective: "In my 20s, it meant a good husband and three kids in a two-storey house we owned and a great career. Now it just means happiness, contentment, good health and peace of mind. Whatever that looks like."

Valarie's definition was equally profound: "For me, having it all means being able to wake up and see another day, being healthy, being able to provide for myself and my family, and achieving my goals in life, however small they may be. I've learnt to be happy with what I have; I don't need to have everything to be happy."

Sandra summed it up succinctly: "To have what is enough for me. Being on time with the seasons of life, having a good job, having investments".

According to the Pew Research Center, many people redefine their goals and aspirations in their 30s, focusing more on personal happiness and fulfilment than on societal expectations.

Dr Meg Jay, clinical psychologist and author of The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter-and How to Make the Most of Them Now," explains, "Turning thirty is often a period of significant reflection and reevaluation. Women start to redefine their identities beyond societal expectations and focus more on personal fulfilment and well-being. It’s a time of empowerment and self-discovery."

Research from the Pew Research Center also supports these findings, showing that women in their 30s often experience increased self-confidence and a clearer sense of their values and goals.

Turning thirty is a transformative experience, marked by a mix of anxiety, self-discovery and shifting priorities. Women at this age are increasingly letting go of societal expectations, focusing on health and wellness, and redefining what it means to 'have it all'. Through the voices of Sarah, Valarie, Sandra and Cecilia, we see a picture of resilience, self-awareness and a commitment to living authentically. As Dr Meg Jay so aptly puts it, "The thirties are about embracing who you are and creating a life that aligns with your true self."

This journey is unique to each woman, but the common threads of growth, self-care and redefining success highlight the universal aspects of this significant life stage.