I am 35, been married for two years, but I think we are totally different and may not go far in this marriage. My husband and I have different perspectives on everything starting with money. He is 44, he takes a holiday abroad every year and puts most of his money in expensive gadgets, but does not have a piece of land to his name. He has absolutely no ambition to develop himself and focuses mostly on using all his money on entertainment. He is already deep in debt having borrowed money to buy an expensive car. I feel this is the wrong way to live. I had hopes and dreams such as owning a house at 33, investing in long-term businesses such as a school and the stock exchange, but now this marriage has already eaten into my savings as I paid off one of his loans to avoid auction. We don't have children yet, but I also feel this is definitely not the way I wanted to live. What can I do about this relationship? {Wambui}
Your Take:
Wambui, you are one in a thousand and you have good dreams and a vision for your future. However, he does not know that. Try your best to get him to appreciate your ambition and pray so that God can help you manage your family. If you call on God, he has good plans for you.
{Joshua Obino}
You should have run out of that marriage like yesterday. You married a man who has no ambition at all. Your future is at stake here and the best thing to do is to run as fast as possible away from this clueless man and secure your future elsewhere.
{John Musuku}
This is one of the things that happen when there is no proper communication between two married people. This guy behaves as if you are there to take care of the marriage while he takes care of his own desires. Set things straight with him otherwise, you will land in debts you were never a part of, and live a frustrated woman for the rest of your life.
{Nelly Radiere}
Wambui, something is really not right with your marriage. They say that a woman marries a man expecting him to change but he doesn’t. You aren’t a failure until you stop trying. Now that you are already trying, explain your fears to him and share your ambitions too.
Let him know some of your personal goals that are yet to be achieved and of which you don’t see the future of their success if the status quo remains. With firm, proper and sober discussions, things might change for the good. Be clear in goals and do not act as though you are desperate nor lose hope for the future. It is never too late to change things.
{Ouma Ragumo, Sifuyo}
Wambui, you made a mistake by repaying his loan. Next time, allow the auction to be effected and he will wake up from his deep sleep. Definitely you are a wife material and all working ladies should emulate you.
{Martin Mwaura}
Both of you are moving in opposite directions and you are not likely to converge. You can talk your husband into knowing your idea of marriage. If you cannot agree, then let each go your ways before it is late.
{Tasma Charles}
Counselor’s Take:
That is what marriages are all about. Essentially, if people got married to like-minded persons those marriages would become even harder to work through. This is because in any relationship one of the parties has to take a lead while the other accepts to be led for it to work.
This does not mean laying back and letting the other person do all the thinking rather sharing your thoughts every once in a while and trusting the other to act wisely for the greater good of all. In yours, there is a glaring difference with regard to your perceptions on lifestyle. With some of the examples you mentioned, I would be tempted to ask about his family background but that would be at the risk of being labelled tribal.
He is engrossed in a lifestyle of consumerism where his lifestyle focuses on good living today with little or no regard for tomorrow. The posh cars, expensive holidays abroad and other luxuries all these financed on a credit card is already a red alert that ought to be corrected at the earliest opportunity. Yes, this could and will lead you down a financial pit.
However, you have the vision, it is your responsibility to handhold him towards it. This is no easy task and granted, it becomes even difficult for a woman to lead her husband there but it can be done. There is one catch though – you have to let him taste the bitter pill.
With money nobody ever learns the right thing the easy way. For example, you should have let him clear his financial mess rather than rush in with money to avoid being auctioned.
He has to face the consequences of his actions. This is the only way he can learn. Again, separate your monies from his and move towards realizing your dreams. This, I must alert you, is extremely difficult – indeed it is difficult to climb up the financial ladder when someone is pulling you down.
You have to shake them off first to get the lighter weight required to climb up. Unfortunately, this is the only way you are going to make steps in the right direction. {Taurus}