How couples can handle mismatched desires

In many relationships, partners may experience differences in intimacy needs, which can sometimes lead to confusion, frustration or feelings of disconnect.

These variations in interest are more common than many couples realise, and addressing them with understanding and empathy is key to maintaining a healthy bond.

Psychologist Monica Oyoo says that the most common causes of mismatched desires include stress, mental health issues, hormonal imbalances, medical problems, relationship conflict, and fatigue.

Psychological factors like stress, trauma, or low self-esteem can affect desire, and some medications can also interfere with mood or energy levels.

Monica points out that it’s normal for desire differences to build in a relationship.

“Everyone goes through phases. At some point, one partner’s interest will reduce or increase compared to the other’s,” she says.

Social and gender expectations can also affect how couples navigate these changes. Socially, she says, women are often expected to be more reserved, while men are encouraged to be more open. Communication around closeness can then become uncomfortable because of social norms, even in relationships, she says.

When discussing mismatched desires, Monica encourages couples to communicate openly about the situation and its impact on them. She further advises actively listening to each other’s needs without judgment, shame or blame.

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“Use ‘I’ statements instead of pointing fingers. Say something like, ‘I feel we could connect better if…’ It’s about sharing feelings and not placing blame,” she suggests.

Maintaining closeness during desire imbalances, she adds, goes beyond physical affection. She advises couples to spend quality time together, talk, and engage in activities that both enjoy. Non-physical forms of affection like hugging, talking, and spending time together can help fulfil a bond’s needs as they work through differences in desire.

“Emotional closeness strengthens the bond even when physical connections fluctuate,” she says.

When mismatched experiences have affected confidence, she advises rebuilding it through honest conversation and seeking solutions if it is medical, psychological or relational.

Couples can also seek counselling if they are unable to resolve the issue together. In therapy, she says, they can rebuild emotional understanding and be more in tune with each other’s needs.

“When you’re self-aware, you understand your partner’s needs without feeling attacked. You develop emotional security and become more objective,” she notes.

Monica adds that this only becomes a deal-breaker when it’s ignored and nothing is being done to resolve it. She advises couples to take care of their physical and emotional health so as to avoid any desire issues by eating healthy foods, exercising and talking openly about their needs.