My husband and I rarely agree

Hi Chris,

I have gradually realised that my husband and I seem to see life very differently. Especially about anything to do with sex. Is that normal? We are both well educated, so should not we see eye to eye more easily?

Difficult Differences

Hi Difficult Differences!

It is politically correct to say that men and women are entirely the same, and it is only the different ways that they are brought up that create the sort of differences you are seeing. If that were true, educated couples would see eye to eye. But it is not.

Male and female behaviours are coded in our genes. Especially relationship behaviours. It is why men gaze at women, and women are picky. Why men try their chances and women choose, and why women prefer men who will provide for them and their children.

It is also our genes that cause that first burst of romantic love and, later on, long-term commitment. And our genes also build different versions of the brain in men and women. And we are not talking about trivial differences here.

Even the critical areas of the brain where it does its higher-level processing are substantially different between the sexes. So it is hardly surprising that men and women approach life in different ways, especially around relationships. No matter how much idealists might try to persuade us we are all the same! And these differences are pretty well fixed.

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• Is he really the one I want to marry?

So for example, even when baby boys have been reared as girls after circumcision accidents, they still grow up to be attracted to women and not to men.

These fundamental differences also create a framework around typical male and female traits that are hard to avoid.

Because women are choosy, men have to be competitive and are driven to acquire status and wealth. Women tend to look more towards the future while men tend to think short term. Men are sensitive about their independence and react more vigorously in conflicts. Do these sound familiar?

So do not worry about your differences. They are normal and ultimately come from your genes. Just understand them, and turn them into strengths to be enjoyed!

All the best,

Chris