Confessions: My fiancé is reluctant to address serious topics

Hi Chris,

I think I have found the one! It is a truly wonderful feeling, and now all I can think about is arranging the wedding. But my head is also spinning with a host of things I want to talk through right now with my fiancé.

He is a bit reluctant though and keeps saying we should just enjoy the moment, and that we can always talk about the serious stuff once we are married. What do you think? Should I be patient and wait?

Talk Dilemma

Chris says,

Hi Talk Dilemma!

Your feelings are justified. You should talk now because there are important issues that are relatively easy to talk about while you are engaged, and surprisingly hard to raise once you are married.

Talk about money as well. Start by being completely honest with each other about your income, investments and debts. Discuss how you will manage the household bills, and how much each of you will have for private spending.

Share any hopes and dreams that will need funding, like further studies, starting a business or buying a house.

Talk about how much you will be saving, and decide whether you are comfortable with each other’s financial habits. One of you could be a careful planner, while the other is a spontaneous big spender.

You also need to be talking about intimacy. Sex is important to the success of a marriage, especially as the years go by and you become busier, your responsibilities grow, and you have children.

Developing the habit of talking about intimacy now, while things are easy, will ensure you keep the spark alive when things get tough.

Talk about your in-laws, and if there are any important issues, fix them before the wedding.

If you are religious, talk about your beliefs and how you will practice them as a couple. If your beliefs differ, talk about how you will participate in each other’s religious life. Discuss how you will share your differing beliefs with your children.

You must also talk about your lifestyle. Whether you would be willing to move if either of you had to relocate because of work. How you will divide up the chores - and whatever you agree, start doing it now.

Discuss your interests and social life, and how much time you need on your own. Talk about your past, especially important childhood or relationship problems that you faced.

Be sure there are no trust, insecurity, communication or control issues. And if you hit a serious roadblock? Consider whether to back out before it is too late.

All the best,

Chris