Why do I only attract bad guys?

Hi Chris,

I’ve been dating a guy I thought was just right, but suddenly, right out of the blue he just simply disappeared!

To begin with I thought it was because he was just one of those flaky guys I’m better off without. But then one of my girlfriends pointed out that it had happened before!

And she was right. I do seem to lose more than my fair share of promising boyfriends.

Why do you think that might be happening? And what do I do about it?

Disappearing Boyfriends

Chris says,

Hi Disappearing Boyfriends!

It’s possible that you’re unconsciously attracting the bad guys. Fix that by only meeting men in places where you already know something about them, like through work or mutual friends.

Don’t even think of dating someone before you’ve checked him out thoroughly. But you’re already doing that? And men still flake on you?

Then it could be something you’re doing. Like pursuing a boyfriend instead of letting him pursue you. Sending too many messages, too clingy, whatever. Because a man needs to feel like he’s the one doing the chasing. So enjoy your friends, your own interests, and don’t always be instantly available.

By all means flirt, but no manipulation games. They’ll get you lots of instant attention, but he’ll soon see through them and wonder why he ever liked you in the first place. Instead just focus on enjoying yourself and having fun together.

Know your boundaries, and say no to anything that you’re not comfortable with. And don’t imagine he knows what you want. Men can’t read minds. So say what you need, and he’ll be happy to give it to you.

Playing hard to get only attracts the game playing bad guys. A good man needs you to show him that you’re interested, or he’ll worry about ending up in your ‘friend zone.’ So if you’re not showing that you’re sexually attracted to him, he’ll cut his losses and go find someone who is.

Above all, if you want to create a committed relationship with a good guy, you need to make an authentic connection with him. And that starts right from the moment you meet, whether in person or on-line.

So don’t try to be someone you aren’t. Dress and behave so you show your real personality. And be completely honest. That’s not easy, as to begin with you won’t want over-share. Like not saying too much about past relationships. But if your date asks, it’s not a good idea to lie.

Gradually open up as you learn that you can trust him, expect him to be genuine and honest in return, and if he is, chances are he’ll never disappear!

All the best,

Chris