I am happily married but I miss my girlfriends from the past, what is missing?

Hi Chris,

Back in my 20s, I seemed to have a lot of female friends. I met loads of them in college and at work. And they meant a lot to me, despite the pressures we all felt at that age to ‘couple up’ with the guys.

But as time went by the pressures of work grew, and I got married, and it just seemed impossible to spend as much time with my girlfriends. So now, in my mid-30s, we are all drifting apart.

And yet I really miss them! They seemed to mean something important to me, though I cannot quite put my finger on it. What do I need to do to get them back into my life?

Women Friends

Chris says,

Hi Women Friends!

Friendships between women are special and different from men’s friendships, or relationships between men and women. Your female friendships are more supportive, help shape who you are, and fill the emotional gaps in your marriage.

But as time constraints increase, most women find that the first thing that goes is the time they spend with other women. Maybe that is because the role of female-female friendships in women’s lives is often downplayed.

There is loads of stuff written about families and marriage, for example, but little on women’s same-sex friendships.

This means your network of supportive female friendships should be a priority. But as your career develops, pursuing friendships becomes hard.

So in your 30s, you may need to meet up in more casual ways. More like how you hang out with your family so that your friends begin to feel like sisters.

Whatever you do, you must realise that cultivating deep and lasting friendships takes time and effort. You have to decide to make yourself available.

Actively schedule time to spend together with your female friends and consciously stay in contact online. Because they may be your lifeline one day, and vice versa.

Be authentic with each other, and willing to open yourself up to them. Help your friends find solutions to their problems. Call or drop in regularly to check on them when they are having a hard time. Make sure they do not feel alone. Let them use you as a shoulder to cry on.

Keep their secrets safe. Be understanding, straightforward, honest and direct. If misunderstandings arise, tackle them head-on with sensitivity and honesty. Most important, be a good listener.

Have fun together, and be positive. Be the one who makes your friends feel better. Be appreciative and tell your friends how much they mean to you.

But above all, make your female friendships a priority! They are an essential part of your life. They will help you reduce stress, deal with life’s emotional upheavals, and manage the inevitable disasters. And they have a huge impact on your health and wellbeing.

All the best,

Chris