I reluctantly agreed to a foursome and it has ruined our relationship

Dear Coleen

The other night my boyfriend and I went to his friend’s house and he had his girlfriend over too. We spent all night drinking and playing games and the other couple were very open sexually.

They made a makeshift bed for us in the living room because we’d had too much to drink to drive home. When the other couple went to their room, my boyfriend and I kissed on the couch.

The other couple then came into the room and started ‘making out’ on the floor next to us. I was incredibly uncomfortable about it.

Then they joined us on the couch at which point I said, “Really? I don’t like this, it’s weird!” But my boyfriend laughed and said, “Why not?” He clearly thought it would be a fun experience.

I tried to enjoy myself. At first, this couple stayed with each other and we did too. But then my boyfriend’s friend started touching me and then my boyfriend started to touch the other girl.

After a few minutes of this, the other guy pushed his girl on to my boyfriend and pulled me on to him and we had sex.

I kept looking over to see my boyfriend and this other girl which was pure torture. I wasn’t having much fun, but just trying to enjoy myself for my boyfriend’s sake.

The other guy led me into the bedroom where we had more sex. But after a couple of minutes I stopped him and told him I couldn’t do it any more and I wasn’t enjoying it.

At that point, my man and the other girl came into the room and I left with my boyfriend.

He told me he wasn’t turned on and he didn’t have intercourse, just “did some other stuff”. I felt so guilty and he was very obviously upset with me. He broke up with me, saying his heart was broken.

He thinks I was having the time of my life! I’ve tried to explain I only went with the flow because I thought it was what he wanted. Why didn’t he stop things? I believe he is just as guilty as I am.

We’re currently ‘on a break’. What should I do? Should I give him his space or try harder to make him understand?

Coleen says

He is just as responsible for this situation as you are – if not more because he was the one who wanted to give it a try.

The fact is, once it was on the cards you probably both did it only because you thought the other was into it and didn’t want to be the killjoy. Loads of situations happen this way.

I think you love each other and want to be together, but there are a lot of raw emotions flying around at the moment, not to mention flashbacks to the night in question.

I think it’s fine to give each other a bit of space to think things over, but try to arrange a date when you can meet to talk about it.

If you decide you want to get back together, then you have to agree never to let something like that happen again.

Like I’ve said many times on this page, the fantasy is often way better than the reality.

If someone tries it on in the future, stick together and say no. But don’t let him put all the blame on you – he needs to accept his role in what happened.

Then agree not to talk about it again. Unfortunately, you can’t take back what happened but you can learn from it.