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A while back, I started going out with this magnificent guy. At the outset, everything seemed picture-perfect until I started taking in a few shortcomings with him. He was horrible at communication. Just so we are clear, I am not one of those needy women who constantly want to be assured of a man’s love and affection. However, if a man does not communicate for weeks on end, I start to question his commitment. This really peeved me to a point where I was ready to call it quits. On the other hand, I felt that I had invested so much in that relationship and could not just throw it away like that. Before making any rush decisions, I decided to seek the input of a friend on the matter.
My friend told me that I was making a mistake, and that since all other aspects of my relationship were great, I could compromise to make the relationship work. She told me that his lack of communication was just a flaw that I could live with. It made sense at the time, so I compromised. I completely stopped raising hell with him every time he forgot to return a call or answer a message. The situation took a turn for the worst. He became even more distant than ever because I was not holding him accountable. I was at my wits end until I came across a quote that made me see the light.
Settling in a relationship means willingness to accept less than you deserve. Settling is bad. When you settle, you accept something that deep down you know is not what you want, but you are too afraid to lose your loved one. Settling begins when you do not know your worth, and just hope that you will get what you truly want. “Every time you date someone with an issue that you have to work to ignore, you’re settling. I hope you never settle,” says Andre Breton, a French writer and poet. Compromise is when you reach an agreement with your significant other by adjusting conflicting views. Everyday in our relationships, we are faced with situations that are not necessarily ideal. As such, it is necessary to compromise. However, many people mistake settling for compromise. When you choose to simply “make do” with whatever crap your partner throws at you in order to make the relationship work, you are not compromising. You are settling.
More often than not, people settle to avoid loneliness. I know a lot of people who have settled in their relationships. Maybe you found out something about your significant other that would have been a deal-breaker in the beginning, but now you have become comfortable and the idea of being alone or starting over is scary, so you choose to ignore that issue. You settle. There is no compromise in principles and values. For instance, if you are a staunch teetotaler and you find yourself head over heels in love with a man who loves his drink and you are willing to accommodate his behaviour, you are settling.
We all have a different list of non-negotiables, preferences, likes and dislikes. To me, communication is a vital part of a relationship. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. When I accepted that my former boyfriend could slack off in communication, I was not compromising. I was settling. It is essential that you continuously compromise in a relationship. It is never okay to settle. Just like Andre Breton, I hope you never settle.
@RoxanneKenya [email protected]
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