Luo women broke my heart, siwesmake!

I wanted to marry a Luo woman. Luo women are proud, elegant and graceful (when not drunk). Their personality and exuberance used to drive me crazy. If you have ever danced with a drunk Luo woman in a Kisumu club, at around 2am, you will understand what I mean.

If I say that Luo women are the most blessed with the curviest bodies within the tropics, it will not be a stretch. Besides, I have always liked them darker. There is something mysterious and erotically challenging about a black shapely woman. Luo women always gave me this blood rush that awakened the animal in me.

It is no coincidence that the two most beautiful women in my college days (by consensus) were Luo. One had a wonderful 'detachable' waist, so thin, so elegant, that she would remind you of all the blue movies  you have watched and would like to try at home.

She walked with such dignified grace; we never concentrated in class when she came in late. Many men often confided to me that there were about 1,001 things they would love to do with her given a chance. But she used to play in a higher league; Moi Avenue chips and chicken would not cut.

The other one had the best derriere, had she become a socialite, Vera Sidika would still be an interior designer and Corazon Kwamboka would not be giving her father ulcers. No, it wasn't big. It just perfectly fit to her tall frame, and when she wore white hot pants, she raised the temperature considerably around Nairobi. She was hot and wouldn't be surprised if she's the one who caused the 2010 heatwave! But as we often joked, we could only 'eat them with eyes.' You could swim through the crocodile-infested Nile just to be in their presence.

But I have had the poorest scoring record with Luo women. Out of the possible seven or eight that I courted or seduced, I never had my way with even one. I used every trick in the book. Dates, night outs, Valentine's Day dates, movies, dinners...but nothing worked. Three of them said no to my face after particularly expensive dinners. Something in me always repelled them. I begged many of them. I gave romance (besides coming from a tribe often ranked the second most unromantic in the universe), but nothing worked.

They broke my heart. I pursued them fervently with every rejection - the heart wants what the heart wants. The more I tried, the more I failed. At some point, I gave up. They are annoyingly problematic. I need to mention here that this is not an attack on a community or a sexist rambling on women. I'm just taking it out on them. Blame my failures and frustrations.

Luo women are a handful. They can be demanding. They want more than they usually give, I came to learn. They are so bureaucratic and emotionally volatile. They are deceptively easy prey. Ten expensive dates later, you will be near your bedroom with them as Raila is close to the presidency.

They will take you round in circles until you end up dizzy and tired. When tired of their games and have given up, they start chasing after you in annoying fashion, so bothersome, you want to report them to the police. Or was it just me? Let me also make it clear that I was not after a hit-and-run score. No, all the Luo women I fancied were beautiful, intelligent, playful and candidates for marriage. But they extinguished all the patience in me.

@nyanchwani [email protected]