Why you need to be careful with multiple dates

Hi Chris,

I have had a lot of boyfriends over the years, and fallen in love with them all! Sometimes two at a time… But I always fall out with them just as easily. Why can’t I ever settle with just one man?

Fickle

Chris says,

Hi Fickle!

It is because what you are experiencing isn’t love. It is lust and romance. Nothing like the calm and deep commitment of a long-term attachment. Lust is all about sensual pleasures, and any partner will do! And the joys of romantic love are highly unstable.

Lust and romance are designed to get you to check out lots of potential mates. This is why it’s possible to hold feelings for more than one person at a time, usually with disastrous results of course!

It may sound unromantic, but your brain’s reward centres are programmed to drive your need for romance and lust with a whole blast of highly addictive hormones.

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So if you find yourself falling in love within minutes of meeting someone, then you can be pretty sure it is just your reward circuits in overdrive. And that is fine because sexual attraction is a huge part of dating. But it is not love. And getting the two confused can lead to all sorts of problems.

So assume that what is going on is lust if your new man has highly masculine looks, is full of steely determination and confidence, and especially if you’re near the time of the month when you’re fertile.

And be careful if your new man’s mood matches yours. Because lustful men get jealous, possessive and controlling. And they get turned on by the strangest things. Women’s shoes, the smell of their sweat, sexing up a hated ex, spanking… 

And they resist using condoms. Love also takes time to develop, because you can’t love someone you don’t know. While lust ignores their faults. Until they are so glaringly obvious that you fall out.

So take things slower, choose men who are more caring, supportive and encouraging, and spend enough time to get to know them well. And before you know it, love will start to grow.

All the best,

Chris