Why the modern man is cooking, changing diapers

A few decades past, it was taboo for the man to set foot anywhere in the kitchen unless a disaster was taking place. Leaving him alone with the kids was unheard of. Buying groceries, and helping with chores was not anything we would associate with this powerful image of a man.

He went to work all day. Over the weekend, he would get his supply of the dailies and pose in his traditionally reserved spot in the living room, reading like the exams were around the corner as he enjoyed a good cup of soup provided by the kitchen.

Now he is making the family breakfast and changing diapers.

A study by Oxfam Kenya found that women spend an average of 11 hours a day doing domestic tasks and unpaid work compared to 2.9 hours a day for men. The study found that men's upbringing contributed a lot to their participation in domestic work and in shaping their views on domestic work.

While most men were taught how to cook and wash clothes, their resistance to domestic work can partly be explained by the fact that they never actually saw men perform these tasks.

At least 71 per cent of the men in the study had never seen a man do laundry, 62 per cent had never seen a man clean, about 45 per cent had never seen a man cook and 38 per cent had never seen a man take care of his siblings.

The study found that men who did primary care and domestic work were taught to cook as children, taught to look after children or saw their fathers or the male figures in their lives perform these duties.

Marcus Munge is a 28-year-old programmer who believes there are things he just cannot do as a man. "If I have been at the house all day and my partner has been at work, I would not mind occasionally cooking. She prepares the meals most of the days though," he says.

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Markus is single and says he does cook and clean up after himself. He says however once he starts living with a partner, he will let her do the household chores. "Once I start helping out, it becomes a habit and that is when the disrespect starts."

Markus grew up with three sisters and household chores like cleaning the dishes, washing clothes and cleaning the house were his sisters' responsibility. He says he could never wash the dishes or do laundry once he gets married.

While Markus is against doing household tasks due to traditional expectations of a man in the household, some men recognise that times are changing. While men are more willing in today's modern society to do more, barriers like societal norms or financial limitations could make them hesitant.

Tobias Aseka is an accountant who acknowledges the changing times.

"It is crucial to recognise that societal norms and expectations are evolving and there is a growing awareness of the need for greater gender equality. Many men in Africa, as elsewhere in the world are challenging these traditional stereotypes and actively participating in household chores. Changes in economic dynamics, education and cultural attitudes contribute to shifting gender roles and expectations," he says.

The rate at which men are adapting is, however, slow.

"Household responsibilities, including chores, have often been associated with women while men may have taken roles outside the home such as providing for the family or engaging in activities perceived as more traditionally masculine," says Tobias.

"In essence, the patriarchal society that we have grown up in sees men as providers and not the ones to help regarding household duties. So one is often judged and seen as weak when they help with house chores. It is not wrong to help, but it is usually perceived as a weakness by society."

Tobias thinks it is important for fathers and male figures in young boys' lives to teach them self-reliance for their growth and development. He says it also teaches them responsibility at an early age and makes them accountable.

"In society, men lead households and children look up to their dads. Raising young resilient future dads is also important for the society and economy because we will raise responsible dads who can start businesses and take care of their affairs diligently," says Tobias.

Tony Mwangi is in real estate and has been married for five years. "I have heard men say that if they can cook and clean for themselves then why do I need a wife? This kind of thinking is shallow and shows what is holding us back as a society. If I needed a wife to clean, I would have bought a washing machine and a dishwasher," he says.

"Before my wife and I got married we talked about it. She likes to cook, but that does not mean I cannot cook. We both work so we figure out how laundry will be done whether it means using a machine or hiring someone. When my wife was pregnant she got sick, does that mean I get another wife or let the house fall into chaos? No. It was my time to take care of her. We have a responsibility to take care of each other, that is what you call marriage," he says.

The study found that most of the women want men to do household chores, but do not ask the men to help in doing the tasks. It reported that 83 per cent of the women respondents stated that men should do domestic work but less than 10 per cent asked for help.

"It may be construed that women tended to adhere to social norms, perhaps for fear of being chided by their partners, but were aware of the inequalities that exist between men and women as far as sharing unpaid care and domestic work is concerned," said the study.

Author Maria Nyambane feels deep appreciation towards her husband who has always performed household tasks with her.

"Gone are the days when men were told not to be in the kitchen because we are also forced to work and help out with bills. We should raise our boys to be self-reliant because they make the best husbands when their wives are down."

Women adore men who view household responsibilities as both their responsibilities.

"It's delightful to have someone who can serve you. You will not find your home so filthy just because you are a wife. If society wants women to help with bills, let it scream out loud that men should also do chores and cook and even better help with the children. I am glad that when I have a newborn, my husband does not snore next to me and the baby we take turns. Some men don't even know how to change diapers, which in this era should never be the case," says Maria.

Most men usually refer to performing household duties as 'helping' the woman, a term Mary Kiuru despises. "A man doing chores shouldn't be considered as 'helping' - it's his responsibility and duty too," she says.

"Relationships are mostly 50/50. If the man is out working and they have agreed that the woman can stay at home, then the woman has to take care of the daily chores. If they are both working, then they can split up the chores according to preference or availability. The woman can be the breadwinner too and the man stays at home. The roles will reverse here."

Maria says that we should teach our boys responsibility, not outdated traditional roles. "I may want to chase that career as much as the man does. I shouldn't have to worry about getting home to dirty dishes or laundry or cooking after a long day. My husband or partner should know that if he washes the dishes it will be easier for me to cook. If he did the laundry, it would be easier for me to mop the house."

Grace Githiru is a stay-at-home mom. Society expects her to perform every household task, and she appreciates her husband who does not see it that way.

"I told my husband doing 15-hour household tasks and taking care of our three children was overwhelming; we had a conversation about how he would do more. My husband even started making breakfast and taking the children to school in the morning," she says.

Grace grew up in a household that taught her women to do all the domestic tasks. "I am lucky my husband was taught to be self-reliant and does not need me to do everything for him. If he was traditional, I would be suffering in silence just like my mum did and just like her mum did."