Digital infidelity: Rise of virtual cheating

Up until the last two decades of the 20th Century, infidelity relied more on traditional, face-to-face methods of secrecy and deception. Long hours and proximity at work gave rise to extramarital relationships. Business trips or long-distance travel provided the perfect cover for cheating. A chance meeting with a stranger at a nightclub could lead to a juicy conversation and, ultimately, intimate moments.

Cheating was a tedious affair that was not only logistically challenging but also carried inherent risks because it required physical presence and tangible communication through letters or public phone calls.

Enter the 21st Century, and infidelity has gone digital. Social media, dating apps, and private messaging platforms, including open feeds on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, have led to what some refer to as “the virtual affair,” where a person can contact anyone, anywhere around the globe in a fraction of a second.

Such emotional cheating in the digital space, especially from workmates, often begins innocently. A colleague ‘likes’ and attaches a string of heart emojis to a random photo you never thought was particularly flattering. What starts as harmless tools for deadlines and reminders can evolve into late-night good wishes and subtle messages of something more.

In the digital web, long-lost friends and acquaintances, some married with children, meet to rekindle forgotten memories that morph into online romance.

“I was invited to our high school alumni group chat and was excited to meet fellows I had not seen or heard from in ages,” says Dan*, a father of one. “I met my old crush here, and after a few introductory messages on the side, I began falling for her. Hardly a day goes by without us exchanging pleasantries.”

For people like Dan, who are married or in stable relationships, these low-cost “digital signals” usually lead to frequent online interactions and weaker emotional bonds with their legitimate partners. When the time is ripe, a physical affair is born out of the seemingly innocent acts, eroding both trust and intimacy.

“Trouble begins, however, when these actions start to cluster around a particular person. If one individual consistently receives the bulk of a partner’s likes or comments, especially someone outside the couple’s shared social circle, those small digital gestures take on disproportionate weight,” Mark Travers writes in Forbes.

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Interestingly, Peter Kanaris, a couples therapist, says many people feel such cyber affairs are not “cheating” since they are “not physical,” or because there is no ‘in-person’ sex, terming such flawed reasoning as attempts to “minimise the offence and evade responsibility.”

While some might associate cyber infidelity with the young and digitally savvy demographic, it cuts across all age groups, and it is not uncommon to see couples married for many years, or others in long-term relationships, falling prey to the vice.

“Cheating through online tools is more common than you think,” says Adel, a Nairobi-based writer. “Some engage in it as a plan ‘B’ should their main relationship end. Of course, there are those looking for financial ‘blessers’ online without the knowledge of their partners. But cheating is cheating.”

Janice, a public relations practitioner, says those who engage in digital cheating or online flirting are attracted by the anonymity and the seeming ease of keeping things under wraps, despite subtle signals such as hiding the phone from family members or constantly deleting messages and photos.

“Cheating of any kind thrives on secrecy,” says Janice. “A lot of the people who flirt online do so because it feels casual and low-risk, like it doesn’t ‘count’ compared to real life. Social media and dating apps make it so easy to connect instantly, but that convenience can blur boundaries and make secrecy tempting.”

For the younger generation, who are more adept at navigating the social media maze, there are emotional factors that make them turn to online romance.

According to Faith Gichanga, an organisational counsellor who works with the younger generation, or Gen Z, the changing face of the family unit influences their view of relationships, forcing them to seek solace in friends they find online, regardless of their marital status.

“Some young people are growing up without a positive view of relationships at home,” says Gichanga. “The home could be a high-conflict or violent zone. Divorce forces them to live in a single-parent home. They also did not grow up when we seriously feared adults, including the police, the government, and teachers. They feel safe in online relationships regardless of the status of the other person.”

With social media setting standards in many aspects of life, Gichanga says the current view of spirituality differs from that of past generations, and digital infidelity is either right or wrong depending on personal feelings, mainly shaped by the online space. “These questions we would not have dared question as long as our pastor said so.”

In addition, Gichanga says digital relationships are easier to handle for a group she calls the ‘microwave generation,’ which expects instant results in any endeavour.

“They expect things to happen easily and quickly, and so there’s a general lack of investment in many areas of their lives, including lasting relationships. When you don’t invest, you don’t value. They are also growing up in an era of variety; malls and supermarkets, snacks, entertainment options, multiple TV channels and so end up with commitment issues,” she says.