Help! I can't leave my abusive boyfriend

Hi Chris,

I am in a relationship that is gradually going sour. My boyfriend is becoming angry, abusive and controlling, and yet I am finding it difficult to leave. And I am not sure why. How do I make the break?

Must Go

Hi, Must Go!

A lot of people struggle to end things. This is because leaving is not an event, but a process. So if you do not start the process, then you will never leave. For instance, people rarely quit their job on impulse either. More often, they have been planning to go for a while.

Abusive relationships also often get into a deceptive cycle. After an incident, you make up and think everything is going to be alright this time. But it never is. Tensions start rising, and before long you are walking on eggshells again. Pretty soon a disagreement becomes a fight and the whole cycle restarts.

So if your relationship is becoming violent, do not pretend it is not. Prepare a small emergency bag containing your ID, bankcards, keys, cash and a few essentials. Hide it somewhere accessible, and think where you could go at short notice - at a friend's, a relative's or a cheap hotel.

And trust your instincts. If things suddenly feel iffy, then just say you are going to the bathroom. But instead, pick up your bag, and slip out through the front door.

Other relationships are not violent but are just as awful in some other way. And no one should stay in a relationship that does not add something good to every day.

So how do you make the break? The best approach is to secretly start the process of leaving. Begin organising your finances, looking for somewhere to live, reconnecting with friends...

But even as you are preparing to leave, do all you can to improve things with your partner. That is because preparing to leave and simultaneously working on the relationship creates a win-win situation.

You feel more confident so the balance of power shifts in your favour, problems start getting resolved, and there is hope. People do not change easily though, so chances are you will still decide to leave. Only that, this time you will be ready to go.

All the best,

Chris