Confessions: I kicked her out for flirting with men

My marriage in a difficult stage. I don’t know what to do. I really love my wife and she is the only woman for me. However, she is too friendly and flirts with men as if it is nothing big to her, even in my presence. Sometimes she goes out with them and when I ask about it, she says that they are just having a good time, nothing else. Lately, she has developed a habit of either keeping quiet or answering “I don’t know” to every question I ask and this angers me very much. About two weeks ago, I couldn’t take it anymore and I beat her up and chased her away from our house. Now I cannot reach her in any way. I believe that everyone deserves another chance and I want her back but how can one live with a woman who flirts and entertains people who lust after her? I really want her back.

{Muturi}

What the readers say:

It is annoying for a spouse to continually flirt with members of the opposite sex. This can easily put their trustworthiness into question. It would have been prudent to initially ask and understand why she flirts as she does. Beating her and chasing her away only made it worse and shut her down completely. She has moved on, probably with the guys he used to flirt with.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

Muturi, life usually never gives you what you want. You sometime have to force out what you want to achieve it finally. She doesn’t seem to realise she is not single anymore and still likes to party. The only way you can help her now is to allow her to fully utilise and enjoy her free-style life then she can make up her mind thereafter. Perhaps you may also need to think back and see if you married her because she flirted with you. If this is the case then you will need to think twice about her.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

She could be flirting with other men perhaps because they buy her goodies or she enjoys their company more than yours. Perhaps there is more going on here than you may be suspecting. Try and find her and get to understand why she is doing this. Get tested for HIV to know your status (both of you). Once you have this discussion, reflect on this and make a decision on whether you want her back in your life. If you do, set your rules, needs, demands and the way you want your family. As a man, take control of the family.

{Onyango Outha}

Maybe your wife flirts with other men to get attention she isn't receiving from you, which is dangerous in marriage. Flirting is the easiest way to kill a relationship/ I'd rather you take some time and move on. Trust me, your marriage will never be the same again for its a clear indication that you are not sailing on the same boat. Watch out.

{Fred Jausenge}

Boke says:

Dear Muturi,

It is so unfortunate that things have degenerated to the level where you became violent and your wife had to leave. We first must agree that violence of whatever form is not acceptable. If anything it adds to the strain in the relationship.

I want to believe that you have clearly communicated to her your disappointment. But then why is she not changing? One of the reasons why a spouse or a partner would not care about the effects of their actions is when there is a shift. We are talking about emotional shift and disconnection. This is a subtle process that couples only realise after it has already happened.

For your case, I strongly think that this could have happened and she is connecting with other men. Just from your question, we are not able to tell what could have caused this. But the truth is, you are being replaced or rather your position in her life is being taken over by these other men. Otherwise, how would she be having the so-called good time with them and not you?

The other thing is that woman need attention. Attention is major for women. It keeps women going and glowing. Unfortunately, many men stop giving it to their wives once in marriage. And what your wife is doing could as well be her way of calling out for your attention. All the flirting and attention from these men is what she needed from you. For some reason, you probably were not able to get that signal.

Let us hope that you have not been completely replaced, then go ahead and start communication with her and see how you can redeem your marriage.

[Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology]

Simon says:

In addition to the defined universal human needs, every human being has an underlying crave for one other thing which is appreciation. Appreciation is essentially relative and it means different things to different people and in different circumstances. There are many reasons as to why an attached woman would flirt with other men especially in view and with their husband’s knowledge and they include among others, attention-seeking, trying to gain more power over their men and that feel-good-high-feeling that comes with flirting. Another common reason is to attract other men and lead them to believe that she is interested in them in an attempt to enjoy certain benefits. For your case Muturi, I am inclined to think that the later reason explains why she is so much into this flirting business.

Truth be told, most people (married or otherwise) flirt with other people but only to a certain extent. When it gets to the extent of going out with the very culprits that she flirts with then there is most certainly a problem and there could be a lot more going on there. I don’t know of anyone be they male or female who would be excited that their partner was going out on dates and drinking sprees with the people the often and openly flirt with. Your feelings of anger and resentment towards her are justified and valid.

However, while your feelings are indeed valid, they do not justify your act of violence. There are many other ways of amicably resolving issues other than physical warfare. Yes, it can become extremely difficult and annoying to engage a partner that is non-responsive but this is where you seek help from family and friends before taking matters into your own hands. 

That said, I may also bring an old adage that goes “a leopards spots never fade”. If this has been going on for long then it could just be her being her own self. She could be one of those people who choose to live life by the day and worry about tomorrow later. You beat her up and kicked her out of your house for her behaviour now you cannot find or reach her through any means and I can tell you that you are getting it wrong the second time. If she left and has not attempted to contact you or to come back, just let her be. If you find her and convince her to come back then you must be prepared to put up with that very same behaviour if not worse. If any reconciliatory attempts are to be made, let them be initiated by her and she should convince you that she is remorseful and that she will change. Otherwise, if you go begging her to come back then be ready to put up with that behaviour for the rest of your life.

[Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor]