Help: She cheated, I left her but she just won’t leave me alone

I am 26 and was in a long distance relationship. One day, I went visiting her unannounced and found her in the house with another man. I left and she will not stop following me around saying that she is sorry and that it will not happen again.

I have since moved on and I am seeing another lady but she will hear none of this and she keeps swearing that we shall never be with other people and that we are made for each other.

I did love her and I don’t want to hurt the other lady who has been so nice to me through this time but my former lover will not leave me alone. Please advise me. Dickens

 What the readers say:

Dickens, you caught her red-handed and you don’t know how many other times and with how many other men she has cheated. You have been very sincere with her but she decided to play dirty on you. Stop the relationship and continue with the new one. Just be fair and frank to your former woman and tell her you will and cannot trust her again.

Onyango Outha

Unless you have some other reason, I don’t see why you should not be listening to this woman. Given the distance, men were bound to hit on her and it is by bad or maybe good luck that you bumped into this.

Can you swear that during the same period you were not hitting on another woman, probably the replacement you have now? If she has apologised, forgive her, give her another chance and move on. This woman will respect and love you in equal measure.

Tasma Saka

Don’t lose your taste, sense and direction for someone who thinks wasting time is her hobby. Tell this woman point blank that her drama has no place in your life and just stay away from her. Forget about her and only involve yourself with women who are serious about relationships. Remember she is already a cheat and the best you can do is sever links with her.

Ouma Ragumo –Sifuyo

The problem with your earlier relationship was the distance factor. Both of you were not ready and mature enough for it. Everyone goes through some sequence of events before settling down, but the first girlfriend is definitely not a good choice for you. For the sake of your current relationship, cut the links with the cheating woman and focus on the current one.

Aseri Dick

This woman does not love you; if she did, she would have been loyal and faithful to you. She cheated on you and, as such, you should not waste another minute on her.

You deserve a person who values you and treats you well and thank heavens you already have your new girlfriend who has been nice to you through this period. Forget about the woman in question, you had moved on so never turn back.

Fred Jausenge

Simon says:

Dickens, you set aside a day (probably a weekend) to go and visit your fiancée who is working in another town. Upon arrival you end up getting surprised at the sight of her with another man in her house.

You decide to leave and actually move on to another relationship only for her to keep following you around begging for forgiveness and making all manner of threats about how the two of you were meant for each other and can never be with other people.

I suspect that the other culprit may have taken off leaving her out in the cold and this is why she will not stop pursuing you. I don’t believe she is truly sorry and is utterly remorseful about what she did. She is only sorry because she got caught and would have carried on with that and nobody knows how many other relationships that she is operating.

Since you have found another woman, I encourage you to just move on and commit yourself to making the new relationship work.

At 26, you haven’t seen anything yet when it comes to relationships; a lot more is coming your way. You will need to start developing thick skin when it comes to women and, more so, women who are not worth their own salt. Character is extremely important in this life -- just as much as it is in relationships.

When you lose character in any aspect of your life, you lose everything. Always work towards building and strengthening your character and this may only be possible if you associate yourself with people who are walking the same path.

Those fancy things she is saying are common lines used by people who have messed up in relationships and are desperately trying to mend things.

My prayer for you is that your paths should always lead you to great women who are capable of building and maintaining strong relationships.

There are too many challenges ahead of you in this life that you will have to figure out and the last thing you want dragging you behind is a woman who just can’t keep things together.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

 BOKE SAYS:

Long distance relationships can be challenging if the individuals are not committed to keeping the trust. After what happened, you are justified to feel the way you do and even react the way you have by ending the relationship. 

The major concern here is how long you took before you got into another relationship. From your explanation, it seems that you did not give yourself time to heal in between the relationship.

You were quick to find yourself another girlfriend which is a normal reaction to a heart break. The only problem is that one is likely to make mistakes because they are not in a stable frame of mind and emotion.

You realise now that you still love your former girlfriend at the same time feel obligated to reciprocate the kindness of your current girlfriend. I suggest you take a break from the new relationship to help you review things in a more objective manner. This might appear to be unfair to your current girlfriend and the fact that she is relating with you, an individual who has not made up his mind, is worse.

As you reflect through, you have the choice between forgiving your former girlfriend or not forgiving her. This decision will depend on what you know of her. Can you consider the incident as an isolated case? Or do you think this could be her character? That will guide you in your decision-making. But if you find you have reservations on taking her back, feel free to act accordingly. Your decision will hurt one of the girls at the beginning but, in the long run, they would come to appreciate your decisiveness.

Whatever decision you make, leave no room for assumptions. Communicate clearly. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Next weeks question

I am 24 and I have tried looking for love with no success. Whenever I find a guy, the relationship does not last for more than a month. In the process of searching for love, I had a baby and the guy just abandoned me.

This made me develop hatred for men but I still want to find someone who can genuinely love me. Whenever I talk with men, they don’t believe I am single and say that I am too beautiful to be single. I don’t know what I am doing wrong and why it is so hard for me to keep a relationship. Please advise me. Helen