Ten of the most annoying things in life

During our school days, our fathers never popped in on a good day. They would never find us swaggering out of the school library at an academic angle with ten text books in hand. As fate would have it, they always visited on the day our shoes were torn and our shirts threadbare or dirty.

Most of the time, they found covered with dust from head to toe or standing outside the discipline master’s office like felons, which wasn’t too good for squeezing an extra Sh10 in pocket money out of them. But that’s just how life works. It is as if there is this conspiracy to stop mankind from having a good time and every day, the elements conspire to irritate, punish and make life a nuisance.

Here is a list of some ten moronic things that happen all the time to vex mankind.

1. The missus will go eight months without riffling through your wallet, phone and pockets. But that nutty morning when she decides out of curiosity to see what you’ve been up to, she will find condoms or a lodging receipt.

By the way, that will be the day you did nothing wrong the previous night in spite of overwhelming temptations! Similarly, traffic police always flag you down on the day you forgot to carry your driving license.

2. The days when you board public transport elegantly dressed and perfumed, you always share a seat with a scruffy, smelly fellow and the baby in the seat behind you throws up on your neck.

But should you board a vehicle when you are scruffy and smelly, the gods always place the prettiest girl in the universe next to you.

3. When you have cash in the wallet, nothing ever goes wrong. Nothing! But the moment you are on your last 30 bob, your wife goes into labour, the gas cylinder runs dry, the baby gets sick at midnight and some woman you have been trying to impress for two months sends a text message requesting you to kindly lend her Sh2,000 for bus fare because her mum is dead.

4. Have you ever noticed that the loudest guy in the room is often the daftest while the one intelligent fellow you would die to hear his or her views always keeps their mouth shout? Or that the chap who falls asleep with his mouth wide open is most likely not to have brushed his teeth for six days?

5. You will never be involved in an accident when you are wearing your coolest boxers or sexiest panties. In the same vein, some pretty thing will take you round and round in circles for six months, but the day she allows you to be intimate will be the morning you wore your oldest pair of socks and that washed out rag of a boxer with a hole here and there.

6. When you are a young man, you chase this hot lass for years. She is perfect before your eyes. But much as you try, she friend-zones you and wards of your advances, refuses to pick your calls and even blocks you. But the week after you settle down with a nondescript woman you met in a bar, she calls and says she simply can’t get you out of her mind.

7. You walk into an office and find this charming, patient worker with a warm smile who makes you feel so at home. He or she sorts out your problem in two minutes and ushers you out with “have a good day sir!”

You walk in a month later and find she has been promoted and sent ‘upstairs’ and in her place is rude, angry, irritable fellow. Why do they promote good people?

8. Great, solid women always end up with irresponsible scoundrels for husbands while decent men always end with the most evil, scatterbrained, selfish and clownish of wives.

9. A nasty, belligerent, thieving politician always dies old peacefully in their sleep while the good guy bumps into an accident when they are barely 40. And should you decide to unleash a covert fart in the lift, you end up with a thunderous bomb blast.

10. And why, oh, why do our sons avoid the teacher’s daughter and bring home the shadiest girls in the universe?

And why do our daughter’s refuse to see the boring but solid school bursar and choose to flip for a hooligan who will knock them up twice and vanish into thin air?