My hubby is less educated than I am, now I don't feel him any more

THE TOPIC:

I am a Master's degree holder and married to a businessman who only has a college Diploma. This December, we will celebrate our eighth anniversary. I love this man but of late I find myself really enjoying the company of men who have similar or more educational qualifications. I find him stale and we are in totally different worlds when it comes to the way we reason. This is affecting our marriage as I am finding it difficult to submit to him and I think he is also starting to feel the difference in the way we relate. I love him only that I am having difficulties understanding and reasoning with him. How can I solve this problem?

Silvia.

BOKE SAYS:

Dear Silvia,

Congratulations. I believe you're able to point out the contribution of your spouse and your entire family in this your current success. It's an exciting thing when a family member makes progress and advances in life. Unfortunately for many, it becomes a point of trouble.

What's the value of our spouses to us? Do we value them less when we go up in life? Am glad you say he is a businessman and most likely excelling at it. Marriage is a partnership that fill-in what we don't have or we aren't.

A spouse should not feel pressured to pursue academic papers or any other field if it is not their thing, just to keep up with the other. The same way you wouldn't be pleased to know that he's getting less attracted to you simply because you may not be as business savvy as him.

We need to appreciate our differences. Be glad that the other person is what we are not. How sad can it be if our spouses determined the ceiling of our advancement academically, financially or even spiritually? This would be so unfair especially for us women.

- Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in counseling psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.

SIMON SAYS:

Dear Silvia,

 I strongly believe that your husband has had something to do with what you have today. I believe you were not a graduate by the time you married him and if this were true, then I believe he has made many sacrifices and supported you in many ways for you to get where you are.

Now you find him boring and illiterate and prefer to spend your time in the company of men who are at your level. Also, you find it difficult to submit to him and indeed a man will realise it as soon as your attitude towards him changes.

You have actually let your education get inside your head and think that you would have more meaningful conversations and probably relationships with men who are at your level or above. While this may be true to a certain extent, you need not let this get into your head. Things are not always as good as we make them to be and there are some pretty good reasons your marriage has stayed intact all these years. If you constantly feed things into your mind, with time you will come to perceive them as solid truths.

Start feeding your mind with positive things about him and remind yourself, on a regular basis, that he is your husband and you his wife. Yes, you find him stale and illiterate now because your friends are graduates; what will happen when you get friends who are PhD holders, what will happen when you are friends with professors? Every time you meet friends who have higher educational levels you will always find the current ones stale and boring but all this is futile because while the grass is always seems greener on the other side, it never really is.

Accept him as he is and accord him his due respect. What if he was the one doing things to demean you just because he has female friends who are more learned, are wealthier, are prettier than you? It all boils down to the individual and the thoughts you harbour about them.

- Simon is a relationships counselor who helps couples face the hard truth in dealing with their issues and reaching reasonable solutions

WHAT THE READERS SAY

It is unfortunate that you realise this now after eight good years of marriage. You want to turn your back on a man that has been there for you all this time simply because of his education level? Many marriages have been successful irrespective of existing differences in educational background. If you truly love him, stay with him for better or worse. If this is a big issue to you, encourage him to further his education as well so you can be at the same level. However, remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side.

{Jeff O Mbaka}

Women are known to have a change of heart once they achieve more than their men. This is actually confirmed by your actions. You have found another man who has a Masters. I wish to remind you that you married him out of love and not for his educational background. I also wouldn't be surprised if he is the one who paid for your education. Do not appear to be testing the waters on the other side because marriage requires wisdom and not education to thrive. Think about this and stop acting confused.

{Ouma Rangumo}

Silvia, what you are experiencing is normal esteem adjustment. However marriage is a sacred institution, which does not learn on school curriculum. Examine if the man still has the qualities you saw in him when you were marrying him. If you feel insecure because of his academic papers, support him to be what you want. Other than the papers, those men you lean towards may be devils. Thou shall love thy husband and gamble not.

{Tasma Charles}

Silvia, being submissive is the key to any happy marriage. Education, tribe, lifestyle, career and other things should never affect your marriage. You should learn to accept your partner no matter what he does. I would advise you to let the love you have for him take control. You never know if he might end up acquiring a PhD some day. Do not make the mistake of getting involved with other men as this will only ruin your marriage.

{Calvin Queens}

To start with, you can't fight or keep quarreling with a person you purport to love. Secondly, you have to be real and frank with each other since communication is a very vital ingredient in relationships. My advice is that you look for a counsellor to act as mediator and see if you can salvage your marriage.

{Ignatius Odhiambo}

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