My man is 'uncut', rarely bathes and won't accept help

I have been married for about 10 years now but there are many things that traumatise me about this marriage. The first thing is that my husband only showers once a week and always has smelly feet and of course has an odour. Even family and friends know this making it totally embarrassing. Due to our cultural background he is not 'cut' which is another problem for me. I have heard that the residue from the foreskin can cause cervical cancer, is this true? As a result of all this, I have lost interest in sex with him but still have needs. Whenever I bring up these issues he gets angry and accuses me of comparing him with other men. He hates criticism and thinks he knows more than everyone else. Please advise me.  

What the readers say: Helena, when it comes to your life then you should put culture aside for your own well being. Be straight with him and tell him the dangers he is exposing you to and tell him to make bathing a daily issue. There are no two ways to this. The fact that you remain silent and continue giving him his conjugal rights means you are okay with everything. For the smelly feet, you can make sure he puts on clean socks daily and his shoes are well cleaned. {Ouma Ragumo}

In my understanding, cervical cancer is caused by the human papilloma virus and the tissue of an uncircumcised organ is often vulnerable to infections that can easily transmit the virus. Men are also usually more vulnerable to contract the virus as a result of sexual intercourse. Many times uncircumcised men take their women through untold suffering due to their inability to maintain the required personal hygiene. Encourage him to go for voluntary circumcision or give him an ultimatum to improve his personal hygiene by bathing every day. {Onyango Outha}

The approach you use is what will really matter. However, note that it is human to defend our space whenever we feel threatened. Involve his most trusted friend, but make him own up to the idea. Lastly, know that it could also be a medical condition culminating into hydrophobia. {Tasma Saka}

Simon says: Helena, your situation revolves around three core issues that comprise poor personal hygiene, beliefs and myths and inferiority complex. I assure you that the issues you are raising are valid and it is in your very right to question.

To begin with, it is unacceptable for any normal human being to take a bath once a week. Bathing is at minimum a daily affair. This and smelly feet makes the situation even more complicated and one can only imagine what you go through every day. For the smelly feet, he would need to sort his personal hygiene first but may need treatment as well.

About the foreskin, there are many myths and beliefs but there are also facts to it. When it is a cultural issue there is nothing much you can do about it. However, for many reasons even those formerly strict cultures have eased their stance on this having compared the advantages and disadvantages.

Research has shown higher rates of cervical cancer in populations that have relatively low uptake of circumcision but no direct link has been established. However, the fresh tissue that lies under the foreskin of an uncircumcised penis is delicate making it prone to micro tears and bruises especially during intercourse.

Further, organisms that cause STIs can easily multiply under the foreskin thus increasing the risks of infecting their sexual partners. Nonetheless, while the foreskin has also been known to store many unpleasant substances which can contribute to an odour, good body hygiene can easily address this.

Lastly, for someone to always get defensive when the people around him question or confront him on certain issues is a clear indication of an underlying problem that generally revolves around inferiority complex. This is confirmed by your statement that he accuses you of comparing him with other men and thinks that he knows more than anybody else.

Duly note that this foreskin issue is a sensitive matter and while he ought to be encouraged to consider the cut especially due to our African cultural practices and beliefs but even more so for his own well being. This has to be done with utmost care and tactic probably from someone close to him who has gone through it.

Simon is a relationships counsellor who helps couples face the truth and find reasonable solutions for their problems 

Boke says:

Sorry for the unpleasant situation you have had to put up with. One not maintaining their personal hygiene is inexcusable, especially when we're talking about a full grown adult and not a six-year-old.

I am sure you have raised this issue uncountable times with your husband with no reasonable change. This is because he takes no criticism nor correction. He is the know-it-all individual. To me, this looks like the root of the problem.

We sometimes take know-it-all people as just ill-mannered or uncultured. Unfortunately in many cases, there are more underlying problems to their personality. They exhibit characters such as insensitivity to other peoples' concerns. In some people, it could really be bad that they would have narcissistic disorder.

Unknown to the know-it-alls is how they are self-defeating or how much this is working against them. You'll agree with me your husband has lost a number of opportunities and valuable relationships because of his lack of personal hygiene but much more because he cannot take correction from anyone.

I encourage you to find ways of making him receive professional help. I know it will be difficult to convince him that he needs help, but find ways to appeal to his reasoning. Otherwise this will continue to strain your relationship and your resilience is not unlimited.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in counselling psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.