There is no single formula for success in marriages

The rumours of the breakdown of comedian Njugush and his wife, Celestine’s (Wakavinye) marriage, were recently confirmed. In this era of “tea” as gossip, stories popped up of how the breakdown went down. The main one was that the matter is in the final stages at the divorce court. Which, in a way, was a wet blanket for those who still had hopes that they will iron out the matter.

The hottest cup of tea was the rumour that Njugush has asked for the DNA test of their youngest child. Which got me thinking about the testimonies I have heard from divorcees that are more than messy and noisy because casualties are inevitable. Under normal circumstances, a man will never ask for DNA tests to be conducted publicly.

Because it will bruise his ego and ego is to men what punchlines are to comedians. It doesn’t serve a man to confirm to many people that he fell short until his wife sought the warmth and service of another man. Men tend to seek these services secretly and then decide what to do with that information.

It is baby-daddies who have the luxury of announcing to the world that they will only accept the child if a DNA test confirms that they are the father. A family man has a lot to protect and at stake to jump into such dramas. Even after confirming suspicions, the general health of the marriage will determine what decision you will take. It is not obvious that the marriage will break down thereafter. This story reminded me of the ironies of marriage.

When I got married, I discovered that there is a lot about marriage that married couples will never discuss publicly. All the single people can say to bridge the gap are the “kwa kina ndoa” stories when some drama spills into the public space. Ultimately, I understood why in the African set-up, a man without a wife could not be trusted, and he who had many wives was respected.

The modern monogamous marriage is not only counter-cultural but against a whole lot of what is perceived as the norm. Unlike poles attract. Extroverts will get hitched to introverts. This is like tightening a keg of water and oil and expecting that they will live smoothly and happily to the end. Imagine the couple at a party, the introvert cannot wait to go home, while the extrovert doesn’t want the party to end. That is a recipe for chaos.

Nightmares

Marriage is the home of dreams and nightmares. Pray that the dreams will always be fewer than nightmares. This is because we go in on the basis of aspiring for love and security, but under it, we tend to end up with people who trigger us. Your partner will trigger your traumas, unhealed emotions and even your deepest fears while trying to love you.

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You have had a great marriage; it should end in grief. Till death do you part. To live “happily ever after” is actually to live until either of you grieves the loss of the other. It is like a lose–lose endgame. If you decide to part ways, then you have failed. More like the saying that all political careers end in failure, but we still fight for and pour money into winning political seats.

In marriage, if you always win arguments against your spouse, you are actually losing. You should never win a fight against a spouse where they feel small and demeaned. If you are the type of person who claims to be a go-getter, strong personality and all the clichés the post-modern world has taught us, then you will struggle in marriage.

Another irony is that the worst time to learn how to fight is when you are in a fight. Generally, we get into marriage on good vibes and love. However, unlike poles always attract, and this means that sooner or later, love will turn into a fight. You have to learn how to fight in a way that will not hurt the union. It makes marital wars messy.

Fights are for blood. When you get into a fight, you are supposed to annihilate your adversary. However, in marriage, people will have a heated fight and then have some hot, steaming sex thereafter. This is without solving what it is they were fighting over.

Marriage is the product, but what society sells is security. We always go in expecting a secure and supportive environment as we go about our social aspirations. We aspire for a peaceful home with a supportive partner while desiring passionate love and sex while at it. The irony is that everything that builds peace and security works against passionate romantic love.

Security requires transparency and predictability. Pasion requires spontaneity and unpredictability. Passion is best in mystery, which is why cheating feels good even if the person you are cheating with is awful to their partners. Secure marriage requires the couple to find ways of making the fire light a gentle flame that burns for a long.

These ironies made me reflect on marriage because there is no single formula for success in it.

Meanwhile, are we ever aware of the importance and work required to make marriage work?