Girl code: When men teach women how to drive

Let’s talk about men, patience and their machines. I am yet to see a patient and composed man trying to teach his woman how to operate a machine he owns. Ranging from something as tiny as a phone to one as huge as a 16-wheeler truck.

Back when I was just getting to understand what love is, I had this man and my life revolved around him. So patient was he with me that when I told him to wait for eight more years before we could finally start a family, he nodded in affirmative and said, “My queen, I will wait.”

But that was just about how far his patience could be stretched. I came to realise this after he offered to take me for a drive one lazy afternoon just to refresh my driving skills. All was well until I took the wheel.

“Beryl, to the right! Beryl, to the left! Beryl, stop! Beryl, accelerate! Beryl, I said step on the brakes! Beryl, you are going to kill us! Beryl stop coughing and concentrate on the road.” This was the song which ended with, “Beryl, get out of my car.”

I had previously attended a driving course and this was just supposed to be a refresher course but he made me feel like I had never held a steering wheel in my life. To make matters worse, he wasn’t even whispering. He kept shouting into my left ear till my eardrum responded with a ‘tiiiiiiiiiii’ sound.

Men, there’s really no way you can teach your woman anything if your words are filled with nothing but threats. After my driving course, I was confident on the road and, trust you me, I could hit the highway and feel safe and sound. But just one ride in my man’s car and, to date, I am afraid to hit the road alone. Just when I thought I was stable enough on the road, he accused me of swerving and that alone made me swerve.

In-between the lessons, he would start telling me about how much a paint job on the car costs and how he had fixed the engine lately. As if you need all that with your mind and soul on the road! Let’s just say that by the time I was leaving the driver’s seat, I vowed never to sit on it again. He created a driving phobia in me. To date, any time I seat behind the wheel, I remember his words piercing through my heart and leave the driver's seat immediately.

Men will show you their new stereo, give you the remote control but stay put next to you like a hawk telling you what button to press and what not to press. They just don’t trust women with some of these things. Even something as simple as a bicycle will warrant a two-hour lecture before you can be allowed to ride it. When you are finally allowed on the bicycle, they will follow you running, telling you how to peddle, when to slow down, when to hoot and when to negotiate a corner. I know they think this makes them sound caring but, guys, this annoys us to the core!

One more thing -- they will buy you a gadget as a gift and want to control how you use it. Even with a simple phone, you will be directed on which ringtone to use. When he sees you charging it, he will be like, “Is that the phone I got you? I told you not to charge it during the day. Unplug it from the charger.” I mean, if you see me charging my phone, it definitely needs to be charged. I will not be unreachable because you said I should only charge it after the sun has gone down. Is it a nocturnal phone or what?

Dear men, we love you so much, learn to trust us around machines. If you are going to teach us how to drive, be polite. Or better still, just sit back, relax and let us show you how it’s done. If you are going to buy me a watch, well thank you, just don’t dictate where I strap it. If I decide to strap it on my ankle, I am the one who will be bending over to check the time, not you.

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