How to get a 'sponsor' if you're a man

Easter is here and a few 'lucky' ladies have been whisked off to the white sands of Garoda in Watamu or the sunny Bamburi Beach hotel in Mombasa by their 'sponsors', while the highlight of the Easter weekend for others will be watching the Harambee Stars versus Guinea Bissau game at Nyayo Stadium.

We'll be there.

But that is neither here, it's there – at Nyayo Stadium.

It is 2016, and these days gender rules have been bent so far - even men have sponsors.

For some reason, many of these men are either crooked Congolese or nefarious Naija brothers, but if there are local women of wealth as we have been seeing them, ready to 'sponsor' men from all the free-floating funds around.

Why should we let these funny foreign men chew these women's dough, as if Kenyan men weren't born with stomachs, mouths and appetites to boot?

If you ever get a well off woman who wishes to 'sponsor' your lifestyle, for whatever reason, you must first look the part. You cannot look like a man in dire need of a sponsor, so invest in expensive attire.

Many of the wealthy hubbies of these ladies are stuffed in suits, so be the chap whose wardrobe provides a welcome contrast.

All-white, smart-casual, luxury-on-a-weekday with plush sandals and designer dark glasses, Bad Boy weekends with T-shirts designed to show off muscle (these gigolos are fit).

You also need denim, boots, a silver watch and silver bangle with black frame spectacles to offset the look (never mind that the lenses are as clear as the truth, because these fellows are not the type to ever touch a book).

But, boy, doesn't the cologne on the Congolese crook smell like a thousand bucks?

Then live in the right neighbourhoods, even if you have to rent a rehabilitated loo in a compound in Karen or a crib a mouse couldn't fit into in Kileleshwa.

Join the gym in this leafy hub, because that is where the rich and bored housewives go. Alone. Hubby will be a gym member, yeah, but he'll never go there because, as he says 'will I chase paper (tenders) or abs?'

Look at it this way. If you are residing in Kinoo, it is hard to access the places these loaded ladies frequent; and how will you go home after that house party, seeing matatu route 314 doesn't pass anywhere near Lavington?

When going to the 'hunting grounds' where these women are, car hire for a day is a great idea. A nice 'moti' may set you back five grand a day, but the first few times she sees you with different models of serious cars, she will conclude you have cash.

Adultery is the baby of the runaway dad called 'Lack of Attention,' so lavish it on the target. Let them talk of the inattentive man, blah blah. Be the ears they blather to, and the shoulder they cry on. Soon they will be literally leaning in, and there you go, gigolo, you've got your sponsor.

Now is the time to bait them with your great business ideas. It shouldn't be something solid like land speculation in Ruai or a butchery in Banana, are you bananas? That is too boring. These women want capital adventure, so it should be an investment in bauxite in Benin or diamonds in Sierra Leone.

Then you get to go to Conakry to 'look' at your fake investment on her ticket. After all, which woman doesn't want to go see Congo Brazzaville?

Finally, you don't want to be spotted by her jealous women pals all over town with ravishing PYTs in the red RAV 4 she just bought you for your birthday.

Or, it is Easter, you told her you were travelling to Equatorial Guinea to check on the 'progress of your investment', kumbe you are checking into The Baobab with Khaddija in Mombasa; and checking into the same resort for Easter is a big belly bully with his two kids and lovely wife – and she is your sponsor 'daggerising' you with her eyes.

After Easter, you will discover the truth of 'hell hath no fury, like a woman conned.'

[email protected]