8 FAQs answered by Mochama

My friend, a Zulu, went somewhere the other day where there were a lot of women with ‘burning’ questions which he did not really answer.

For the sake of you, the Eve woman, I will tackle eight of these Frequently Asked Questions. As a man.

1 (a) Why do men drink and come home late all the time?

Men get carried away, by friends, drinks and conversations. They throw a ‘rao’ (not Raila) for one another. They have ‘one more.’ And before you know it, it is 4 a.m. and they are knocking on the door.

1 (b) Can I also come home late like he does?

Beryl above prefers, as she said last week, to ‘bombard your cell phone every hour’ if you are out late. But of course you can also go and stay out late. This will, inevitably, lead to nocturnal fights, drifting apart and eventual separation. If this is your plan, go for it. It is one way to break up, in slow motion.

2) What if you find out he has a child?

So what? If you have serious long term plans with him, embrace that child like your own, sister. If you are just having fun, then it does not matter. It is not like you were in the maternity ward with the mother, holding her hand as she gave birth.

3) Why do men cheat?

When I was recently in Indonesia, I realised most of the chaps there were quite content to have rice and chicken for breakfast, rice and chicken for lunch, and rice and chicken for dinner. Some men are Indonesians! Others want to eat chicken and rice today, fish and chips tomorrow, ugali and beef on Monday.

4) What if he does not pay his bills?

Now, this kind of ‘man’ I cannot stand. Itindi last week spoke of men who ‘expect you to pay almost all the bills in the house.’ Those are not men, they are small boys. The question You should be asking yourself is this one — am I his partner or mother?

5) Do men really change?

Yes. But only after 40.

6) Why do men want space sometimes?

See above, where Beryl says she would bombard your cell phone every hour if you are out late because she ‘cares and loves.’ Some kind of caring is like having a pillow put over your mouth when you are passed out. It is simply super suffocating.

Men are dogs, and like a dog, a man sometimes wants his inner space to contemplate, or to run outdoors in the wild prairie with other dogs, drink beer, watch football.

But the women of Wanga, let alone Abamuri, (and even Abaluhya) are said to be possessive.

7) Do men like submissive women?

In the beginning, yes! Men want a woman who says ‘yes’ to advances, and some insecure men like ‘yes women’ in the house. But they will soon get bored of you because, whatever the décor page says, doormats are dull.

Sadly, you then have a rabid breed of woman who in the name of being ‘insubordinate’ to men, wants to dominate, argue about everything, wants things done her way and so on; thus leading a man to the submissive woman as his side lady.

8) Why men cover for their friends

In another lifetime, I had this girlfriend, let’s call her Joy, who one morning came to my place wine high at two a.m. saying her friend Nelly, who had a car, had just dropped her off. As she went to the lav, I called Nelly, who sounded sleepy.

“I have not heard from Joy ...” I began.

Before I could continue, Nelly said: “Even me I have not seen her for like three weeks. When you see her, tell her to call me. Nime-miss sana! G’night, Tony.”

Yes. These chicks ain’t loyal.

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