Hi Chris!
I’m in my 30s and feel a failure in everything I do. I’m terribly self-critical and convinced everyone’s watching and judging me. And I’m sure a lot of that comes from my mother. She was hugely controlling when I was a child, and still is, even now! Is there any way I can get past my anxieties and self-criticism? And perhaps get on better with my mother?
Self-Critical
Chris says,Hi Self-Critical!
We’re all hugely affected by the way our mothers raised us, and usually that influence is very positive. But some of us have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage from our childhood.
So, for example, the children of an anxious, bad-tempered or emotional mother tend to suffer from anxiety, anger or depression as adults.
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While the children of a self-absorbed and insecure mother grow up distrusting their own feelings and decisions.
A mother who tries to be her children’s best friend struggles to set boundaries and to create structure and discipline in her children’s lives. So they frequently grow up lacking self-confidence and insecure in their own adult relationships.
In your case, you’ve grown up feeling self-critical and inadequate, which often happens to children whose mother has a controlling personality.
The good news is that you’ve now reached an age where you can start to unpack your mother’s influence on you and to become the person you want to be.
Think about why you and your mother interact in the way you do, and find gentle ways to discourage her continued criticism. A short silence followed by changing the subject works well! Encourage her to talk about her own upbringing, and work on understanding how she came to be the person she is. Because you’ll probably find that she was just as much a victim of her own upbringing as you were.
As you begin to empathise with your mother’s experiences of life, you’ll find you can start letting your own childhood unhappiness go. You’ll also become better able to manage your anxieties, and from then on, your life’s your own.
All the best,
Chris